Achievement vs. Experience

“Having an experience is taking part in the world” Olafur Eliasson

I’m thinking about the difference between achievement and experience.

Living into achievement: Goals, lists, trying to do the right thing, be the right kind of person, accomplish goals. There’s nothing necessarily wrong with that. I mean, we all have shit we need to do but if that’s what drives me it’s precarious. Someone, something - almost anything can take that away from me. Illness, bad luck, economic instability, political instability - you name it.

But living into experience is different. If what I want, if what I hope for is a life of experiences, then even unexpected twists and turns in the path can be embraced. This new experience - rather than being an obstacle to an achievement goal, is just a new experience. And no one can take my experience from me.

How can I feel better?

Grace is not in the business of making us feel better. 

Capitalism, like many aspects of cultures and societies is built on a narrative.  The narrative is that if we just get this or that thing, achievement, experience, we will feel better.  Happier.  Safer. 

For some, it’s material:  If I just get the house, the car, the status symbol purse, the right size diamond, I will feel I’ve arrived.

For some it’s relational:  If I just get married, have kids, have sex with that hottie I will feel lovable.    

For some it’s achievement:  If I get the job, get the degree, make the money, nail the performance, lose the weight, ace the quarterly evaluation, I will feel better about myself.

You get my point.  It’s a goal, or a thing out there we don’t have, that we feel in some way, if we get it, our lives will be better. 

To be sure, having a secure income IS better than living in poverty and having a place to live IS better than being homeless, but the narrative that capitalism depends upon is that once you get the basic necessities you need, more will always be better.  If having a place to live is good, then having an even nicer place to live will be even better. 

It depends on there being no satisfaction, no endpoint.  It depends on us never giving up on the belief in the narrative that more of “X” equals more feeling better. 

The fly in the ointment is that as we participate in this game, we find that the narrative isn’t true.  We get the thing and we don’t feel better.  Not really.  We are still anxious and lonely.  We still feel inadequate and full of doubt.  We don’t feel safe.  We wonder if we belong or if we measure up. 

Capitalism depends upon us never identifying that the narrative that getting “X” will make us feel better is, in fact, a lie.   If we admitted this lie to ourselves, we would stop consuming as much.  We would keep the same house, car, couch, purse, clothing as long as they were functional and would not be compelled to upgrade. 

So, our society works very hard to keep the lie hidden and to find someone or something else to blame.  Maybe it’s the immigrants, maybe it’s the Trumpers, maybe it’s the Supreme Court, or the President, or religion, or the liberals.  Maybe it’s the people wearing masks, or the media, or the police. 

To be sure, the things I just listed are problematic.  All of them.  In fact, everything in one way or another is problematic.  But the thing to recognize is that they are not to blame.  If we scapegoat them, it obscures real problem – the lie that underpins capitalism. 

You see, if I recognize that getting, or doing, or being “X” will not make me feel better but that the way I feel – all the anxiety and inadequacy, all the loneliness and longing – is just the human condition, then I won’t see anything or anyone as the villain in my story.  They/it are not the reason I feel this way.  I have no need to hate them or make an enemy of them.  I have no need to conquer them or change them so that I will feel better.  We all feel this way.  All the time. 

This recognition is at the heart of grace.  Grace says nothing more is needed.  Grace lets things be just as they are.  Grace recognizes that we are all human with all our flaws and inadequacies, all our unfulfilled longings and hopes.  Grace lets all that be.  Grace is not in the business of changing things.  Grace is not in the business of making us feel better.  And strangely, when we let go of trying to feel better….

We feel better

To comment click on the header “How can I feel better?”

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Authority

Jesus refused to play the authority game.

Jesus prayed:

“the world has hated them because they do not belong to the world, just as I do not belong to the world. … I ask that  they may all be one. As you, Father, are in me and I am in you, may they also be in us.”  John 17:14, 21

What is Jesus asking here? 

What is his prayer about? 

He is saying that we do not “belong to the world” in the same way he does not. 

He is also saying that he wants us to be one with God in the same way he is one with God. 

In what way was Jesus one with God?  A lot of metaphors are used.  He was God’s son.  He was God in flesh.  He was God.

But what happens to us if WE are one with God in this same way? 

We are God’s child? We are OK with that

We are God in flesh? Wait, getting into territory we can’t deal with

We are God? Nope - heresy

This great heresy was first committed by Jesus, when he made claims to be God’s son, god in flesh … God.  His culture rejected it in the same way we reject the statements above when they are made about us.  These are things we are not supposed to say, or believe. 

But perhaps, this is nothing more than an expression of a state of consciousness.  A state of consciousness that realizes that all is one.  That we and the divine ground of being are one, just as Jesus and God were one. 

That his prayer has been answered.

Most people who have had this revelation, or an experience of this oneness, keep their mouths shut for fear of being thought crazy, or a heretic. 

After all, Jesus had this revelation, Jesus lived in this consciousness and he was crucified for it.

If you believe God is an absolute omnipotent, omniscient, cosmic-ego type of authority, then to claim to be God is to introduce democracy into the kingdom of heaven, to usurp divine authority and to speak in its name without proper authorization.

When Jesus made such democratic claims:  when he claimed he could forgive sins, when he healed, the religious folks asked,  

 “By what authority are you doing these things? Who gave you this authority to do them?” Jesus said to them, “I will ask you one question; answer me, and I will tell you by what authority I do these things. Did the baptism of John come from heaven, or was it of human origin? Answer me.” They argued with one another, “If we say, ‘From heaven,’ he will say, ‘Why then did you not believe him?’ But shall we say, ‘Of human origin’?”—they were afraid of the crowd, for all regarded John as truly a prophet. So they answered Jesus, “We do not know.” And Jesus said to them, “Neither will I tell you by what authority I am doing these things.”

In other words, Jesus refused to play the authority game.  It’s not a contest of authority in the spiritual realm.  It is a shared oneness.  Oneness that says we can also forgive sins, heal others, and more.  Jesus said we would do even greater things than he did.  He was not worried about being the ultimate authority.

Jesus was happy to make it democratic.  He was happy for us to be one with the divine force in the same way that he was. 

He hoped we would believe this and act upon it.  He hoped we would say to mountains in our lives to be cast into the sea, and it would happen.  He said that when we forgave someone, they were forgiven.  That’s a lot of authority.  God-like in fact.    

 Religion tells us that what we say must be authorized by some other authority (i.e. Moses, Jesus, Paul, etc..)  It cannot be our own. WE are not allowed to be an authority. 

Heaven forbid! 

Chaos would break out!  

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Certainty IS the sand

They think they have built their houses on a rock – a rock of biblical certainty, when in fact they have built them on the sand that IS certainty. 

Usually, people come to religion looking for certainty.  Looking for answers.  Looking for assurances and comfort in a world full of chaos and uncertainty. 

And they usually “find it.”  Or at least end up feeling like they’ve found it.

An examination of religion reveals that it rejects uncertainty in all its forms. Religion names definitively what is right and what is wrong, what is true and what is false.  You might think that there is a contradiction between religion’s rejection of science and its rejection of certainty.  Isn’t science revealing facts and religion is rejecting those facts – thus rejecting certainty?   

The mistake we make is to think there are scientific certainties.  If we zoom out and look back over the course of scientific exploration, we see that most things that were accepted as scientific certainties, were later rejected as false.  The earth is not flat but round.  The atom is NOT the smallest particle of matter.  Gravity does not behave as we thought and disease is not from demon possession, bad humors, bathing or fresh air. 

This kind of ever-moving, ever-changing understanding is frustrating and maybe even a little bit terrifying to the person who is looking for certainty.  Most recently we’ve been witnessing this frustration and fear centered around COVID and how the science has unfolded.  Each time information about COVID and vaccines was given to the public, it changed.  Of course, it changed because that is the nature of science, one piece of information leads to another and the body of knowledge changes continuously.  But, nevertheless, this has led to widespread distrust of the science around it all.  How can it be true if they keep changing the information?  To be clear, much of the information that was put out there was stated to the public as though it were certain.  Maybe this was done to try to calm people’s fears, like when we tell someone, “it’ll all be OK” when in fact we know no such thing.  Or maybe just out of ego – who knows.  It was a  mistake.  When we tell people something is a fact, then change that fact – especially when the “fact” may have life and death implications for them – we risk losing their trust.  And so, religious folk have rejected science at least in part because it does not provide them with the certainty they seek.  It contradicts the certainty they believe they have based on their religion.   They think they have built their houses on a rock – a rock of biblical certainty, when in fact they have built them on the sand that IS certainty. 

As a culture we have no idea how to remain calm in the face of uncertainty. 

Thousands are deconstructing their ideas about religion, god and spirituality and leaving churches en masse because of this very thing.  Religion told them it had some facts.  Turns out those facts might not be certain. 

If we are to navigate this life, and maybe even survive, we have to learn how to hold uncertainty because the thing is – we just don’t know. 

We can decide that’s terrifying or we can decide that’s fun.  It’s up to us. 

Life and whatever is beyond this life can be one big exploration.  Turning a corner to discover there is always another corner to turn.  Or it can be paralyzing as we maintain an agenda to find the answer, solve the puzzle, get to the bottom of this endless, wondrous, mysterious bottomless pit. 

Spirituality is the embrace of mystery.  Dive in and keep going!

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The Heavens Declare

Making space is the very nature and glory of god

The Universe is 99.99% empty space.
Perhaps God … whatever God is

is space.

The making of space is the very nature and glory of God.

Whatever God is

Hospitality is making space for the outsider

Peace is making space for the enemy

Creation is making space for something new

Death is making space for new life

Grace is making space for error

Destruction is making space for creation.

Cosmic Christ: "The Sermon on the Mount"

With less of you, there is more of love

Watch this - you won’t regret it

https://vimeo.com/50192912

The spot you are headed to

Release your responses and return to a place of rest.

“ It was evening and had grown quite dark and Jesus had not yet returned. His disciples went down to the sea, got in the boat, and headed back across the water to Capernaum. A huge wind blew up, churning the sea. They were maybe three or four miles out when they saw Jesus walking on the sea, quite near the boat. They were scared senseless, but he reassured them, “It’s me. It’s all right. Don’t be afraid.” So they took him on board and immediately they reached land—the exact spot they were headed to” John 6:16-21

This was the passage that was read to me in a guided meditation called “Lectio Divina” recently. If you’ve never heard of Lectio Divina, it is the practice of a contemplative interaction with a text - usually a sacred or religious text of some kind. Everyone does it just a little different, but my favorite method is:

1) Rest. Take a moment to become still and present to the moment. Breathe, close your eyes and become relaxed. Express your willingness to open to the voice of spirit.

2) Read. Choose a short passage - read it slowly. Listen for a word or phrase that is addressed to you. What jumps our at you? What “shimmers”? Allow for a few moments of silent repetition of the word or phrase. Savor it. Ponder it. Listen to it without judging or analyzing.

3) Reflect. Read the passage again. Slowly. Listen for how this passage connects with your life. What do you need to hear.

4) Respond. Read the passage a third time. Slowly. This time, imagine yourself in the story. Who are you in the scene? What do you hear, see, smell, feel? How is this connected to your life? What is your response? Allow your response to flow spontaneously from your heart as fully and as truly as you can. At this point you are entering into a personal dialogue with spirit “sharing the feelings the text has aroused in you, feelings such as love, joy, sorrow, anger, remorse, desire, need, conviction, consecration. “ Observe your response without judging.

5) Rest. Release your responses and return to a place of rest. This is a posture of yieldedness and abandon.

6) Record. Journal about the experience.

So, in my interaction with the story from John 6, it occurred to me that as soon as the disciples saw Jesus in the situation and took him in, they were at their destination. Is this some miracle where Jesus got them to shore immediately? Or is it that when we take the Christ consciousness into our boat, we are immediately present and thus at the spot we need to be at. It’s so easy to miss the sacred in a difficult situation. It’s so natural to fight, resist and shut down out of fear. We don’t see the spirit in the storms, we just strive to find peace or to come ashore. But as soon as we are able to hear the voice of the sacred that says “I’m here - don’t be afraid” and we take the sacred into our boat, we are already at our destination. There is nowhere further to get to. We are home.

I am doing some work in counseling these days. By work in counseling, I mean work on myself, in myself. Pulling up some stuff that I’ve shoved down. Dealing with it and more importantly feeling it. I have a tremendous capacity for compartmentalization. I can set things aside so that I am not slowed down by them. I can tell you about my feelings, but actually feeling them in my body is much harder. It makes me tired. I don’t like to be tired. It slows me down and keeps me from doing all the things.

I’m trying to see the sacred in the tired. Welcome it into my boat. Sleep. Let it take me to the exact spot I am headed to - this moment.

To Comment click on the header “The spot you are headed to”

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The COVID log

This is about all of us. And love.

I got COVID.

Fully Vaccinated.

Since my vaccine, and the lifting of mask restrictions I’ve been going out unmasked.

Breakthrough cases have been on the rise. I know this. And still, I was going out unmasked.

I have no romantic delusions about the vaccine.

I have been in pharmaceutical research for twenty years, and I realize that no drug, no vaccine, no treatment is completely safe or completely effective but rather every aspect of modern medicine is based on a risk/benefit ratio. I opted to take the vaccine. I have had no adverse effects from it thus far. But make no mistake, it is still experimental and I know this. I am fully aware I’m a volunteer for this experiment and I took it on with eyes wide open. I am a scientist and I believe in experiments. None of the advances we have in medicine would have occurred without them. Lives are saved, suffering is alleviated thanks to experiments. And also, experiments fail and people have bad experiences. That’s how it works.

Last month I traveled to my daughter's wedding unmasked. No problem. Successful experiment.

Last week I got out in public on a girl's trip. Unmasked. All friends fully vaccinated. All dining was socially distanced and/or outdoors. We floated the river - not crowded.

We stopped at Buccees on the way home (if you’ve never heard it - google it - it’s an obscene Texas phenomenon) . It was packed. I was unmasked.

That day, I traveled to Vegas to visit my mom and attend a work conference. I was fully masked while traveling. Stayed at my brother's home for three days.

Two days after arriving, I had a scratchy throat.

Next day, congestion. Then some achiness. No breathing problems, no loss of taste or smell, no fever.

The day I checked into the conference I got a COVID test so that I could reassure my coworkers that my congestion was not COVID.

It was. Experiment failed.

So, I've exposed my brother and his husband (thankfully both vaccinated). Thank god I could only do a window visit with my mom, so I haven't exposed her.

I'm quarantining in a hotel in Vegas for the next ten days and am happy to do so to avoid exposing anyone else.

My symptoms are mild and already abating after 72 hours. Successful experiment?

My belief? My mild symptoms and quick recovery were thanks to the vaccine.

But, if I were still wearing a mask in public settings, I might not have gotten it and might have avoided the possibility of exposure of my loved ones.

Not for sure. Not a guarantee. There are no guarantees in life. No control. Just guesses. Life is just a lot of calculated risks and guesses. Like experiments.

The thing is - I CHOSE not to wear a mask. Because I (emphasis on the I) am vaccinated. It was those OTHER unvaccinated guys that should still wear them. Log in my eye.

The other thing is, I don't mind wearing a mask. It's an easy thing to do -- low-to-no risk and high chance of benefit. And it could possibly save someone's life. I know this and I still chose not to wear one. Log in my eye.

In this whole log/speck world of vaccines and mask wearing, this isn't about me. This isn't about "thank god I am vaccinated and don’t have to wear a mask anymore” or “thank god I’m vaccinated and if I get it I probably won’t end up hospitalized”

And this isn’t about them, “those guys should do the right thing and get vaccinated or at least wear masks”

This is about all of us. And love.

And an important component of enacting love is to keep the focus on the log in your own eye.

I know it says, “then you will be able to see clearly to take the speck from your brothers eye,” but I wonder if, when we take the log out we will see that the other guy isn’t an asshole, but maybe is just scared. Maybe we would see our judgement and hypocrisy clearly and no longer feel compelled to address all those specks. Imagine a world where everyone lived this way.

And for me, I know that no harm can come from a mask. So, rather than walking around with a log, I think I’ll walk around with a mask instead.

Love one another.

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The Monster

God is in our monsters and our demons

I was talking to a friend about freedom and grace the other day. In her spiritual journey, she is moving out of law. She is doing what folks like to call, “deconstructing” .

As we talked it became obvious that she is afraid. Afraid that if she removes all the rules, she will self destruct.

You see, she has been told she was bad.

That’s what religion tells us.

And she’s done things in her past that she regrets. So, the “bad person” narrative was validated.

She’s afraid of this bad person inside her. This “sinner.” This monster.

This monster has been caged and subdued for years by her religious beliefs and rule systems. And she is afraid of grace because if she strips away the rules, the monster will be set free.

But what if the monster is god?

If there is such a thing as god, most folks - atheists and believers alike agree that god must be that which is infinite.

Which means there is nothing god is not and nowhere god is not.

God is in light, and love and beauty.

God is in darkness, and apathy and ugliness.

God is in our monsters and our demons.

The picture I chose for this post is a monster that was found in Borneo. No one knew what it was. They put it in a cage because they were afraid of it. It was wild and tried to chew and claw its way out of the cage. The image and story went viral. Finally, there were those who recognized this monster was just a bear that was sick with an illness that had caused it to lose its hair and look grotesque.

We are like that.

We encounter pain and suffering and it makes us sick. We lash out and act in monstrous ways. We look scary and grotesque to ourselves and to others. Our impulse is to cage that monster, to tame that monster. With laws, with religion, with dogmas and rules to follow and deeds to do. We can’t see the pain behind the monster. We can’t see that the monster is no monster at all. Just a lovely, suffering creature that needs food and nourishment, love and healing.

One of the metaphors of the crucifixion is that god is not separate from suffering.

God is the monster.

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Freedom - we hate it

The freer the world becomes, the more anxious it becomes. 

We hate it.

We are terrified of it.

Oh sure, we say we love it.  As Americans it is our thing.  The land of the free, the home of the brave. 

But we AREN’T brave in the face of freedom. 

What we love is rules. 

Rules keep us safe.

Rules keep the other guy from running the red light and killing us.

Rules keep charlatans from selling us poison marketed as a cure.

Rules keep strangers from entering our homes and taking our possessions. 

Or at least in theory. 

We don’t want complete freedom.

Freedom is anarchy and we don’t want that. 

We only want freedom to the extent that it means that we are free to create a set of rules to live by.  We don’t want OTHER people to make the rules.  That’s a dictatorship. 

Like a teenager that can’t wait to get out from under his parent’s rules. WE want to make the rules. WE want the control. That feels like freedom.

But of course, that’s not really freedom for anyone else.

The trouble lies in creating a world that is equally free for everyone.

The trouble comes when we can’t agree on the rules. 

If the rule we like is a rule that says no one can kill another person, we want the freedom to live by that rule and to enforce that rule upon others.  This helps us feel our world is a safe place. 

If the rule we like is a rule that says that no one can kill an unborn child, we want the freedom to live by that rule and to enforce that rule upon others.  This helps us feel our world is a safe place.   

If the rule is that this war is a just war, we want the freedom to fight it so that our enemy does not overtake us.  It helps us feel that our world is a safe place. 

If the rule we like is a rule that says that everyone should be vaccinated, we want the freedom to live by that rule and to enforce that rule upon others.  This helps us feel out world is a safe place. 

Rules will keep us from being killed.  Rules will define what exactly killing IS, when it’s murder and when it’s not.  Rules will help us feel that the other guy has to take me and my loved ones into consideration when making his choices.  His freedom is not absolute. 

But what if we feel UNSAFE because of a rule that makes someone else feel safe? 

What if I feel unsafe in a world where abortion is illegal?  What if I feel unsafe taking a vaccine?  What if I feel unsafe in a world where my child could encounter unvaccinated children?  What if I feel unsafe in a world where my child might go to war? 

In situation after situation, freedoms that make you feel safe, will make me feel unsafe. 

So…. we don’t really love freedom.   

We love rules. 

Freedom creates chaos and chaos creates anxiety. 

The freer the world becomes, the more anxious it becomes. 

Anxiety is the evidence that I am free and don’t know how to be free or how to let others be free. 

What should I do with my life?   The choices are endless because I am free.

Who should I marry?   The choices are endless because I am free.

What is my purpose?   The choices are endless because I am free.

What if screw it up? 

What if, my loved one, because she is free, leaves me?

What if my neighbor, because he is free, kills me?

What if, because I live in a democracy, my government enforces taxes upon me? 

What if those taxes fund wars?  Abortions?  Big pharma?  Big oil? 

What if our freedom leads to the destruction of the planet?

What if……

Freedom is nothing more than an infinite set of what ifs. 

We like rules.   

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