Lots of gifts are that way. We give them so that we feel like good people.
My brother doesn’t like Christmas gifts and the whole commercialization of Christmas. To be clear, he’s not opposed to gifts per se, but just feels that the obligatory gift-giving that takes place at Christmas, and Christmas overall is not his thing.
He has asked the whole family before to not give him gifts. We’ve talked about this in years past and I’ve tried to tell him how much pleasure it gives me to give gifts. He has pointed out that if the gift is for MY pleasure, it’s not a gift to HIM, but a gift to me.
Of course he’s right.
And yet, we all continue to send him gifts.
This year, I was going to leave him off my gift list. I sent out little token gifts to my other siblings and to my niece and nephews, but then I felt bad not giving him a gift, so I sent one to him as well.
Even though I knew he didn’t want one.
I shouldn’t have done it.
Unwanted “gifts” are given all the time. Sometimes on purpose, and sometimes unwittingly:
The workaholic who tells his/her spouse or children, “I’m doing this for YOU,” but in fact, the children just want him/her to be home more. Less money would be OK with them.
The man on the street who calls out the unwanted catcall to the woman, “hey sexy!” and feels he has given her the gift of a compliment.
The unsolicited advice.
The time I did the dishes at my daughter’s house and thought I was giving a gift and being a good houseguest. She felt criticized by it.
But in the case of my brother – it wasn’t unwitting or inadvertent. I knew he didn’t want it.
Why did I give it?
What was that about?
Of course we both know the answer. It was for me. It was my ego and nothing more. It was so I didn’t feel like I’d left him out, it was so I didn’t feel like a bad sister or some kind of scrooge. It was so I’d feel generous and inclusive.
Lots of gifts are that way. We give them so that we feel like good people. We give them so that others will admire us and our superior gift-giving generosity.
We feel pressure to find just the right gift and wrap it just the right way. Is this for us or for the recipient? Who are we trying to impress? Who do we want to feel good?
It’s not just gifts, it can be acts of service towards others, charitable acts, religious observances, obedience, compliance, compromise.
It’s not always obvious to us why we are giving. But when we fail to receive recognition, appreciation, thanks, reciprocation, reward, or any type of results we were hoping for we know. If we resent or regret having given in the absence of these results, we know it was for us and not a real gift.
And, of course, when we give something that the recipient has already told us they don’t want…. then what the fuck?