Like a snake devouring its own tail
Whew! I haven’t written in a while. I don’t know why. Maybe the pandemic has taken up the oxygen in my room. But I suspect it has more to do with a problem I’ve been trying to deal with. I do this – work on problems. I like to do this. I like puzzles, I like to analyze things. My ego loves the challenge of a good problem. I like the feeling of solving it. Both in my inner life and in my outer life.
Often, I will notice that I am struggling in some area of life and I dig into the problem solving mode like a dog with a bone.
The problem I was trying to solve was my increased desire to withdraw and be solitary. Not that I think there is anything wrong with being solitary, but in my case, it just seemed that no matter how much solitude I carved out for myself, it was never enough.
I wondered if maybe it was just a temporary phenomenon that had arisen because for the first time in my life, I found myself NOT having to take care of anyone. My kids were all grown, off our payroll and doing well, I am no longer taking care of my parents, my marriage is strong and stable. At first it felt a little bit like summer break in college. In college I would always be exhausted by the time break rolled around. I would sleep and sleep and sleep for days on end. Sometimes I would even get sick as soon as finals were over. But eventually, I would emerge rested and ready to re-engage.
This time, it seemed to just not go away. I couldn’t get enough time alone no matter what I did. I dreaded interactions at work, interactions with people, interactions of all kinds. It’s probably in large part, been the reason I haven’t posted on this blog. I just wanted to crawl in a hole.
I’m a firm believer that the body and the emotions are very wise and will tell us things that our mind will not or cannot acknowledge. I’m trying to learn to listen to my body and my emotions rather than just powering through and ignoring them.
So, I listened.
I brought the issue to my spiritual director. I listened some more. Then one day recently, I was sitting in meditation and brought the issue to that space. Why I hadn’t brought it into that space before I don’t know. I think I had been using my meditation time strictly as a time for silence – as another way to try to carve out some solitude.
In that space I heard, “my yoke is easy and my burden is light”
I said to the space, “This does not feel easy. I feel burdened and weighed down by almost every kind of human interaction.”
And as I sat with it I heard this, “Your feelings are fine. They are not a problem to be solved. You are not a problem to be solved.”
And there it was.
Grace.
I am not a problem to be solved.
And I realized that a large part of my exhaustion and desire to avoid interactions was actually coming from the judgement I was imposing on myself for the exhaustion. Like a snake devouring its own tail.
The realization that this feeling is not a problem to be solved was like a burden being lifted and suddenly the yoke became easy and the burden became light. I saw how this was a burden I had laid on my own shoulders and in so many areas of life. My emotional reactions had been problems to be solved, my body and extra pounds had become a problem to be solved, my aching feet, my aching head, my time management, etc.. etc.. all problems to be solved. I had become a walking problem to be solved.
I am not a problem to be solved.
You are not a problem to be solved.
Life is not a problem to be solved.
Life is just an experience to be had. Open handed, open hearted, without judgement.
With grace.
Artwork taken from: lifeindetox.com/blog
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