I was trying to redeem something
In my first marriage, it was bad for years before I left. Sometimes I wonder why I stayed as long as I did. I stayed for a lot of reasons: love – I married young to my first love; religious legalism - I didn’t have “scriptural” grounds for divorce; obligation; sheer stubbornness; and at least in part....
I was trying to redeem something.
I married young - way too young. I was eighteen and he was twenty. People tried to talk us out of it. People tried to tell me we were too young. People tried to tell me he was too damaged. People tried to tell me I’d damage him further. People tried to tell me if he really loved me, he’d wait for me until I was older.
I didn’t listen - did I mention I was stubborn?
He was my first real passion. We were socked into religious legalism and fundamentalism. We had the fanaticism of youth. We teamed up and looked out at the world with through us-vs-them glasses. What did the world know about our love? What did those non-committed, lukewarm, so-called Christians know about commitment and real, true, sold-out Christianity? It was better to marry than to burn with passion.....so we did.
I knew pretty soon afterward it had been a mistake.
I set out to fix it.
I knew I could.
Save it.
Make it right.
Redeem it.
This redemption would prove I had not made a mistake. It would allow me to live with the consequences of my choice (you know - “you made your bed, so now lie in it”). It would restore my belief I could heal this brilliant and broken soul I loved and had married.
After years went by, I needed to redeem the tremendous investment of time and effort that I had put into it all.
I had poured my whole life into this relationship. I had grown up with this person. I had been through creating children with this person. I had poured all my hopes and dreams into the marriage and our family. I had lost my very self. I definitely had to redeem that.
Sixteen years went by, and still ……..I had redeemed nothing.
Then, as you might be able to predict, I had the "religious excuse” to leave - adultery. But it still it took me two years to decide to leave.
How could I leave it unredeemed? All that effort? All those years? My very self?
Two years later when it was all over I learned the truth of this:
“Whoever tries to save his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life will save it”
In trying to “save” and “redeem” something, I lost it anyway. And I lost myself in the process.
We all do it. We spent countless years and dollars on a degree, so we slog away at a job we hate. We spent lots of money on a car or a house that we really can’t afford, so we enslave ourselves to those payments and maintenance to redeem that investment. We stay with a church or a charitable endeavor that we have lost passion for, because we gave years of our lives to that cause and we wouldn’t know how to create meaning in our lives without it. We took a hard stand on a moral or social position, so we maintain it to save face even though we don’t believe it anymore.
We waste our lives trying to save it all – the money, the investment, the job, the pride.
But… maybe….we just can’t do it. We just can’t save it, or them, or us, or anything.
Throw in the towel.
Throw away the oars.
Let it go.
Leave it unredeemed.
We might just find redemption.
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