I realized that they had not cared for me and my feelings in that situation because they cannot. They do not even care for themselves.
I recently led a short meditation experience. We did a loving kindness meditation using the breath. I’ve added the outline of the practice below.
What I wanted to share about was my experience during the meditation. As I directed the meditation toward myself, I felt an inability to connect to the intentions of joy and self-care. I breathed with it, sat with it, and just-could-not.
When I directed the meditation toward someone that I was upset with, I found a connection. When I got to “may they care for themselves,” I remembered that they do not and felt a connection between the block in myself and my intention toward them.
The back story was that I was upset with this person because they had done something in their own self-interest that they knew would upset me. This was a person who I always considered had my best interest at heart. Someone who I considered to be one of my “champions” in life and who would protect me. And yet, when it came to something they wanted – they chose their own interests over my feelings. It was a loss. A disillusionment.
In my meditation, I realized that they had not cared for me and my feelings in that situation because they cannot. They do not even care for themselves.
It has helped me to let it go.
It has helped me to realize in a new way just how important self-care is.
Loving-Kindness Meditation Practice Instructions
To practice loving-kindness meditation, sit in a comfortable and relaxed manner. Take two or three deep breaths with slow, long and complete exhalations. Let go of any concerns or preoccupations. For a few minutes, feel or imagine the breath moving through the center of your chest - in the area of your heart.
Lovingkindness is first practiced toward oneself, since we often have difficulty loving others without first loving ourselves. Sitting quietly, mentally repeat, slowly and steadily following the rhythm of your breath, the following or similar phrases:
May I have joy, may I be content, may I be peaceful and at ease, may I be whole, may I care for myself.
While you say these phrases, allow yourself to sink into the intentions they express. Loving-kindness meditation consists primarily of connecting to the intention of wishing ourselves or others happiness. However, if feelings of warmth, friendliness, or love arise in the body or mind, connect to them, allowing them to grow as you repeat the phrases. As an aid to the meditation, you might hold an image of yourself in your mind's eye. This helps reinforce the intentions expressed in the phrases.
After a period of directing loving-kindness toward yourself, bring to mind a friend or someone in your life who has deeply cared for you. Then slowly repeat phrases of loving-kindness toward them:
May you have joy, may you be content, may you be peaceful and at ease, may you be whole, may you care for yourself.
As you say these phrases, again sink into their intention or heartfelt meaning. And, if any feelings of loving-kindness arise, connect the feelings with the phrases so that the feelings may become stronger as you repeat the words.
As you continue the meditation, you can bring to mind other friends, neighbors, acquaintances, strangers, animals, our planet and finally, when you are ready, people with whom you have difficulty. You can either use the same phrases, repeating them again and again, or make up phrases that better represent the loving-kindness you feel toward these beings.
One variation on the lovingkindness meditation is to simply repeat the phrase “I am lovingkindness” or “I am loving awareness” over and over with the rhythm of your breath.
If you find the mind wandering or you find yourself struggling at a certain point, just as in the cultivation of any type of mindfulness, simply notice what’s going on in the mind. Then, simply, return to your breath and include yourself and your wandering mind into the field of loving-kindness. Come back to your breath and the phrases resting in the feeling radiating out of those phrases, and underneath that, out of your heart.
Sometimes during loving-kindness meditation, seemingly opposite feelings such as anger, grief, or sadness may arise. Take these to be signs that your heart is softening, revealing what is held there. You can either shift to mindfulness practice or you can—with whatever patience, acceptance, and kindness you can muster for such feelings—direct loving-kindness toward them. Above all, remember that there is no need to judge yourself for having these feelings.
Adapted from teachings by Steven Smith, Jon Kabat-Zinn’s Guided Mindfulness Meditation Series 3 and "The Issue at Hand" by Gil Fronsdal.
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