Goals were about how strong you were and what you were able to endure rather than what you wanted and didn’t want.
When I was a little girl, I couldn't figure out how to eat meat. I couldn't figure out how to chew and let the juice stay with the meat and swallow it while it was still moist. I would swallow the juice and just chew and chew the meat until it became dry and inedible in my mouth. I would quietly spit it into my napkin, hoping nobody noticed. My siblings love to tell a funny but gross story that I barely remember because I was so young. We were on a family road trip and stopped for lunch. I still had the bacon from breakfast in my mouth because I hadn't been able to swallow it and had nowhere in the car to spit it out.
This bacon story is a metaphor and was a foreshadowing for my life. There are a lot of things in life that I can do if I tough it out. There are some I can’t. Far too often, I have held on to things way too long, rather than saying no and letting go; jobs, relationships, tasks and responsibilities. That kind of determination has served me well in many cases and has been a disaster in others. Being raised by a football coach, there was an emphasis on strength. Goals were about how strong you were and what you were able to endure rather than what you wanted and didn’t want. Admitting weakness was not done. One must never admit defeat.
I find that even after years of trying to connect with what I want, I am often far too focused on endurance instead of desire. Saying no and letting go usually seems to feel more like "I can't" than "I don't want to.” So, I chew and chew and chew until things become dry and gross rather than spitting them out.
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