Wholeness

Do I even believe in wholeness?  Not really.

I was in a group last week and the leader asked us what kind of spiritual practice we had that was helping us become whole.

I thought – what does that even mean to me?  Whole. 

Do I even believe in wholeness?  Not really.

We are always incomplete, always missing something, always imperfect. 

Never whole.

But I knew what she was getting at.  She wasn’t trying to get at wholeness in a perfection sense, but in some other sense. But she wasn’t going to define it for us.  She was going to let us define it for ourselves.

For me…

Wholeness is:

Being able to sit with what is missing: in me, in life, in others and be at peace.

It is not feeling the need to fix, control, strive to move from the current place of lack to place of non-lack But it’s not a numbing to the desire.  Not a detachment from the longing for the place of non-lack.

Instead it’s the ability to feel all the strength of desire and longing and be completely in love with the longing, without needing to fulfill it. 

That’s the closest I can get to love and grace co-existing in me.

The Open Soul - Part 9

Grace is a dangerous idea

Paradoxically, it is not knowledge that enlightens, but unknowing.

It is not the lack of doing or wrongdoing that are darkness but is instead the pursuit of meaning through doing.

It is in the open space of unknowing and un-judging that is created by grace where peace and love are born.

Without this self-emptying, we will naturally divide good from bad and restrict what we will accept.

We cannot love our enemy because there will be things in the enemy that we reject, we cannot love the enemy in ourselves because there are things in ourselves we have rejected, we cannot love the world, because there will be things in reality we reject. 

Thus, love can only exist when the field of grace is open and sin is no-thing. 

When sin is something, we judge it and fear it, when sin is no-thing, we have nothing to fear; from ourselves, from others or from the chaotic reality of life.

In this way, the paradox of light as the open space of unknowing created by grace allows us to “have fellowship with one another” (1 John 1:5-7), with ourselves and with the world. 

Grace has always been a dangerous and heretical idea. Christ was crucified as a heretic for living a life of radical grace. Meister Eckhart was tried and accused as a heretic. With grace we empty ourselves of all control and place ourselves in the hands of God - or in the hands of reality (call it what you will) - with no way to control how goodness or blessing is accessed.

With grace we have stepped out of the boat and onto the water, and it is here that we find the open space into which God can create.

But remember - if we have let go of our ideas about “god” as good or compassionate - we have no idea what will be created.

The Open Soul - Part 8

The quest for meaning casts us out of an open acceptance of reality and into an anxious pursuit that never finds fulfillment.

“From that time on, Jesus began to show his disciples that he must go to Jerusalem and undergo great suffering at the hands of the elders and chief priests and scribes, and be killed, and on the third day be raised. And Peter took him aside and began to rebuke him, saying, “God forbid it, Lord! This must never happen to you.” But he turned and said to Peter, “Get behind me, Satan! You are a stumbling block to me; for you are setting your mind not on divine things but on human things.”

Matthew 16:21-23

The modern philosopher Slavoj Zizek echoes Christ’s rebuke of Peter (when Peter rejects the reality that God will die) when he speaks about “the pressure of meaning” as the place “the devil waits upon you.” Like Hessert (see “The Open Soul - Part 7) , he asserts that we should reject the meaning-making narrative.

Christianity is the acceptance of meaninglessness.[1] Both Hessert and Zizek use the holocaust as an example of why we must move away from meaning making. In the holocaust, (as in the crucifixion) God cannot be found through power or meaning, but must be found in their absence.[2] In the face of such great evil, truths are so traumatic, they resist being integrated into the universe of meaning.[3]

It is only the suffering God (Christ crucified) that answers such questions. In Christ crucified, God moves from Objectivity (a transcendent Master who can pull the strings from above and make things as they should be) to Subjectivity (an infinite plurality whose nature cannot be defined)[4]. Zizek cautions us to not try to make meaning of the crucifixion, but to allow it to be what it was – the destruction of God and in this way a revelation of the destruction of ultimate meaning.[5]

Hessert articulates this in this way:

“Christ crucified is the end of the expectation that power will bring life to its fulfillment in the sense of actualizing its present potential. Faith in Christ crucified means giving up the kind of justification of life that realizing one’s potential would offer. There is thus a direct correlation between faith as the surrender of the claim to divine power and “Christ crucified” which is the absence of such divine power.”[6]

The Judeo-Christian tradition may have been inviting us to move away from this quest for ultimate meaning from the beginning. The Eden story can be seen as a cautionary tale against the quest for meaning. Eve’s pursuit of knowledge to make meaning worked in the opposite way intended and rather than creating meaning, cast her and Adam out of paradise.

The all too human quest for meaning is the proverbial forbidden fruit, the ultimate idolatry. It casts us out of an open acceptance of the reality that is and into an anxious pursuit that never finds fulfillment.

It is only through absolute emptying of self and trust in grace that the human is freed from the need for meaning-making and is able to live in a space where we are ”not glad because of any special thing or …distressed by anything at all, for all will be well”[7]

[1] Slavoj Zizek. “The Pressure of Meaning” 25:08-25:58  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-qVAxuHRKOw

[2] Hessert, 29.

[3] Slavoj Zizek, “Only a Suffering God can Save Us.” Lacan.com, accessed December 14, 2022, https://www.lacan.com/zizshadowplay.html  Section 2 Kierkegaard

[4] Hannah Arendt, The Human Condition. ed. Margaret Canovan (Chicago: University of Chicago Press, 1998), 10.

[5] Slavoj Zizek, “Only a Suffering God can Save Us.” Lacan.com, accessed December 14, 2022, https://www.lacan.com/zizshadowplay.html  Section 2 Kierkegaard

[6] Paul Hessert. Christ and the End of Meaning: The Theology of Passion. Rockport MA: Element Inc. Out of Print (1993): 31.

[7] Norwich, 153.

The Open Soul - Part 3

We stumble and fall, NOT when we disobey regarding good deeds, or right belief, but when we disobey the word of grace.

We understand on an intellectual level that if we have tasted that the Lord is good (gracious) it will undo shame, but we find in practice that shame persists.

Peter points out this very phenomenon when he says the very goodness (grace) that undoes shame is also the stone that makes men stumble and the rock that makes them fall.

We stumble and fall, not when we disobey the word regarding good deeds, or believing rightly, not when we violate quid-pro-quo, but when we disobey the word of grace.

This caution against disobedience to grace is throughout scripture from the beginning. In the Eden story, Eve disobeys the word of grace when she believes the lie that some action is needed to access God. She believes that she should know good from evil, light from darkness, rather than resting in the paradise of grace, and when she eats the fruit of this lie, she falls from grace and into shame.

The Open Soul - Part 2

The very cornerstone of the gospel is the stumbling block itself.

The doctrine of Grace has been watered down by religion - because real grace is a hard pill to swallow.

Grace and the notion that something is given randomly, freely and without justification offends human ideas around justice and never more so than in modern times when more than ever, humans are focused on ideas of justice and human rights.[1]

Justice doesn’t just factor into our politics, it factors heavily into cultural and religious ideas of good and evil.

I’m not saying I’ve got anything against justice — I’ve always been oriented toward what is fair (maybe too much).

But ideas like good comes to those who earn it or bad comes to evildoers just isn’t what Jesus was trying to get at. In Matthew 20, we read a parable told by Jesus about laborers who worked unequal time and got paid equally. In Luke 15, we read a parable told by Jesus about a son who sins and is still welcomed and celebrated by his father.

We’ve heard those parables a hundred times. We recognize they are about grace and can see how they were meant to confront ideas of God demanding a quid-pro-quo, and yet strangely, Christian doctrine and practice is shot through with shame and punishment for sin and reward for goodness. In the area of grace, Christianity looks less like Christ and more like the courts.

The apostle Peter talks about how the goodness of God can undo shame in the following:

2 Like newborn infants, long for the pure, spiritual milk, so that by it you may grow into salvation3 if indeed you have tasted that the Lord is good.

4 Come to him, a living stone, though rejected by mortals yet chosen and precious in God’s sight, and 5 like living stones let yourselves be built into a spiritual house, to be a holy priesthood, to offer spiritual sacrifices acceptable to God through Jesus Christ. 6 For it stands in scripture:

“See, I am laying in Zion a stone,
    a cornerstone chosen and precious,
and whoever believes in him will not be put to shame.”

7 This honor, then, is for you who believe, but for those who do not believe,

“The stone that the builders rejected
    has become the very head of the corner,”

8 and

“A stone that makes them stumble
    and a rock that makes them fall.”

They stumble because they disobey the word, as they were destined to do.” (1 Peter 2:2-8, NRSVUE)

I used to read this to mean that those who believe in Jesus would not be put to shame and those who don’t believe in Jesus - those who reject Jesus - those who disobey Jesus - will stumble. They WILL be put to shame.

But is that really it? That seems a little at odds with the prodigal son story doesn’t it?

Maybe the key is to ask just exactly who and what is this cornerstone we are believing in? Sure, it’s Jesus, but what does that mean? What if the cornerstone that is Jesus is the cornerstone of grace? The Jesus who did not judge the woman caught in adultery . The Jesus who welcomed the prodigal with a feast. The Jesus who told the thief on the cross he would be with him in paradise. The Jesus who ate with tax collectors, prostitutes, “sinners.” The Jesus who said he did not come to judge the world.

The Jesus who was grace living and breathing. What else could undo shame better than that Jesus? The Jesus of grace?

But THAT’s a Jesus people stumble over.

People like a loving Jesus. They like a kind Jesus. They even like the Jesus who turns over tables and whips the temple back into shape. But it’s harder to like the Jesus who lets people off the hook. It’s hard not to stumble on the idea that I might work a full day and get the same pay as the slacker who shows up at 4:45 and puts in 15 minutes. It’s hard not to stumble on the idea that I might live a good life and get the same blessings from God as the guy who is an asshole or worse.

That’s offensive. It’s a stumbling block.

And it’s the very cornerstone of the gospel. Grace.

And Christianity has missed it.

[1] Charles Taylor. Sources of the Self: The Making of the Modern Identity. (Cambridge Massachusetts: Harvard University Press. 1989), 11.

The Open Soul - Part 1

We must let go - even of our ideas about God being good or compassionate

The pursuit of spirituality at its core, is for most, an attempt to connect to the transcendent. From the first story we read in the Judeo-Christian scriptures about Eve who eats the fruit in order to “be more like God,” to modern day spiritual leaders and practitioners, we see the common theme is the human being trying to figure out what mindset, what actions, what emotions one must have to access the divine. The medieval theologian and mystic, Meister Eckhart put forth that the place where God speaks, and works had less to do with right action, right emotion or right mindset and more to do with space. Eckhart calls this open space the “potential of receptivity.”[1] He says that we create space through silence and stillness and await a birth within us. “There must be a silence and a stillness, and the Father must speak in that.”[2] Eckhart affirms that this birth has nothing to do with good deeds or religious purity as we think of it but rather, it occurs in both sinners and saints – even those in hell.[3] Eckhart speaks of creating a space through the practice of silence and stillness that is absolute and is far more extreme than most Christian practices. It includes letting go of images,[4] understanding,[5] intellect,[6] memory, sense perceptions, imagination and even ideas about God being good or compassionate.[7]

Can we really let go in this way? Images? Understanding? Intellect? Memory? Sense Perception? Imagination ?

Even our ideas about God being good or compassionate?

How could this be possible?

This kind of extreme emptying of the self is a radically different approach from what is typically seen in religious pursuits. Throughout history, followers of the Christian faith have attempted to understand and control connection to the divine not by letting go of images, understanding, and ideas about the goodness of God, but by pursuing and refining them. Asceticism, holiness, purity, good works, right theology, liturgy and iconography have all served as means by which the religious observer might access God. Beliefs that it is the holy person who will be capable of miracles and who will receive good things from God, or that it is the one who believes rightly who will be saved, or that sin and error will separate us from God are central to most Christian doctrine and practice.

But ….

Christian Scripture disagrees. Much like Eckhart’s ideas about the birth of God occurring equally in saints and sinners, the Scriptures tell us that “the Spirit blows where it wishes,” (John 3:8, NRSV), and God blesses both the evil and the good (Matthew 5:45, NRSV).

The idea of access to the divine being entirely unconditional and free and being disconnected from ideas and actions is a difficult one for most. To disconnect ourselves from ideas about good and evil, light and darkness, right and wrong action  – even the goodness of God seems not only counterintuitive to the pursuit of spirituality, but counter to our very nature as thinking humans. Paradoxically it is the move away from such ideas that is at the heart of Christianity in the doctrine of grace.

[1] Meister Eckhart. The Complete Mystical Works of Meister Eckhart with foreword by Bernard McGinn, trans. Maurice O’C Walshe. (New York: Crossroad Publishing, 2009), 56.

[2] Ibid, 32, 33.

[3] Eckhart, 40.

[4] Ibid, 34.

[5] Ibid, 36.

[6] Ibid, 49.

[7] Ibid, 55.

How can I feel better?

Grace is not in the business of making us feel better. 

Capitalism, like many aspects of cultures and societies is built on a narrative.  The narrative is that if we just get this or that thing, achievement, experience, we will feel better.  Happier.  Safer. 

For some, it’s material:  If I just get the house, the car, the status symbol purse, the right size diamond, I will feel I’ve arrived.

For some it’s relational:  If I just get married, have kids, have sex with that hottie I will feel lovable.    

For some it’s achievement:  If I get the job, get the degree, make the money, nail the performance, lose the weight, ace the quarterly evaluation, I will feel better about myself.

You get my point.  It’s a goal, or a thing out there we don’t have, that we feel in some way, if we get it, our lives will be better. 

To be sure, having a secure income IS better than living in poverty and having a place to live IS better than being homeless, but the narrative that capitalism depends upon is that once you get the basic necessities you need, more will always be better.  If having a place to live is good, then having an even nicer place to live will be even better. 

It depends on there being no satisfaction, no endpoint.  It depends on us never giving up on the belief in the narrative that more of “X” equals more feeling better. 

The fly in the ointment is that as we participate in this game, we find that the narrative isn’t true.  We get the thing and we don’t feel better.  Not really.  We are still anxious and lonely.  We still feel inadequate and full of doubt.  We don’t feel safe.  We wonder if we belong or if we measure up. 

Capitalism depends upon us never identifying that the narrative that getting “X” will make us feel better is, in fact, a lie.   If we admitted this lie to ourselves, we would stop consuming as much.  We would keep the same house, car, couch, purse, clothing as long as they were functional and would not be compelled to upgrade. 

So, our society works very hard to keep the lie hidden and to find someone or something else to blame.  Maybe it’s the immigrants, maybe it’s the Trumpers, maybe it’s the Supreme Court, or the President, or religion, or the liberals.  Maybe it’s the people wearing masks, or the media, or the police. 

To be sure, the things I just listed are problematic.  All of them.  In fact, everything in one way or another is problematic.  But the thing to recognize is that they are not to blame.  If we scapegoat them, it obscures real problem – the lie that underpins capitalism. 

You see, if I recognize that getting, or doing, or being “X” will not make me feel better but that the way I feel – all the anxiety and inadequacy, all the loneliness and longing – is just the human condition, then I won’t see anything or anyone as the villain in my story.  They/it are not the reason I feel this way.  I have no need to hate them or make an enemy of them.  I have no need to conquer them or change them so that I will feel better.  We all feel this way.  All the time. 

This recognition is at the heart of grace.  Grace says nothing more is needed.  Grace lets things be just as they are.  Grace recognizes that we are all human with all our flaws and inadequacies, all our unfulfilled longings and hopes.  Grace lets all that be.  Grace is not in the business of changing things.  Grace is not in the business of making us feel better.  And strangely, when we let go of trying to feel better….

We feel better

To comment click on the header “How can I feel better?”

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The COVID log

This is about all of us. And love.

I got COVID.

Fully Vaccinated.

Since my vaccine, and the lifting of mask restrictions I’ve been going out unmasked.

Breakthrough cases have been on the rise. I know this. And still, I was going out unmasked.

I have no romantic delusions about the vaccine.

I have been in pharmaceutical research for twenty years, and I realize that no drug, no vaccine, no treatment is completely safe or completely effective but rather every aspect of modern medicine is based on a risk/benefit ratio. I opted to take the vaccine. I have had no adverse effects from it thus far. But make no mistake, it is still experimental and I know this. I am fully aware I’m a volunteer for this experiment and I took it on with eyes wide open. I am a scientist and I believe in experiments. None of the advances we have in medicine would have occurred without them. Lives are saved, suffering is alleviated thanks to experiments. And also, experiments fail and people have bad experiences. That’s how it works.

Last month I traveled to my daughter's wedding unmasked. No problem. Successful experiment.

Last week I got out in public on a girl's trip. Unmasked. All friends fully vaccinated. All dining was socially distanced and/or outdoors. We floated the river - not crowded.

We stopped at Buccees on the way home (if you’ve never heard it - google it - it’s an obscene Texas phenomenon) . It was packed. I was unmasked.

That day, I traveled to Vegas to visit my mom and attend a work conference. I was fully masked while traveling. Stayed at my brother's home for three days.

Two days after arriving, I had a scratchy throat.

Next day, congestion. Then some achiness. No breathing problems, no loss of taste or smell, no fever.

The day I checked into the conference I got a COVID test so that I could reassure my coworkers that my congestion was not COVID.

It was. Experiment failed.

So, I've exposed my brother and his husband (thankfully both vaccinated). Thank god I could only do a window visit with my mom, so I haven't exposed her.

I'm quarantining in a hotel in Vegas for the next ten days and am happy to do so to avoid exposing anyone else.

My symptoms are mild and already abating after 72 hours. Successful experiment?

My belief? My mild symptoms and quick recovery were thanks to the vaccine.

But, if I were still wearing a mask in public settings, I might not have gotten it and might have avoided the possibility of exposure of my loved ones.

Not for sure. Not a guarantee. There are no guarantees in life. No control. Just guesses. Life is just a lot of calculated risks and guesses. Like experiments.

The thing is - I CHOSE not to wear a mask. Because I (emphasis on the I) am vaccinated. It was those OTHER unvaccinated guys that should still wear them. Log in my eye.

The other thing is, I don't mind wearing a mask. It's an easy thing to do -- low-to-no risk and high chance of benefit. And it could possibly save someone's life. I know this and I still chose not to wear one. Log in my eye.

In this whole log/speck world of vaccines and mask wearing, this isn't about me. This isn't about "thank god I am vaccinated and don’t have to wear a mask anymore” or “thank god I’m vaccinated and if I get it I probably won’t end up hospitalized”

And this isn’t about them, “those guys should do the right thing and get vaccinated or at least wear masks”

This is about all of us. And love.

And an important component of enacting love is to keep the focus on the log in your own eye.

I know it says, “then you will be able to see clearly to take the speck from your brothers eye,” but I wonder if, when we take the log out we will see that the other guy isn’t an asshole, but maybe is just scared. Maybe we would see our judgement and hypocrisy clearly and no longer feel compelled to address all those specks. Imagine a world where everyone lived this way.

And for me, I know that no harm can come from a mask. So, rather than walking around with a log, I think I’ll walk around with a mask instead.

Love one another.

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The Monster

God is in our monsters and our demons

I was talking to a friend about freedom and grace the other day. In her spiritual journey, she is moving out of law. She is doing what folks like to call, “deconstructing” .

As we talked it became obvious that she is afraid. Afraid that if she removes all the rules, she will self destruct.

You see, she has been told she was bad.

That’s what religion tells us.

And she’s done things in her past that she regrets. So, the “bad person” narrative was validated.

She’s afraid of this bad person inside her. This “sinner.” This monster.

This monster has been caged and subdued for years by her religious beliefs and rule systems. And she is afraid of grace because if she strips away the rules, the monster will be set free.

But what if the monster is god?

If there is such a thing as god, most folks - atheists and believers alike agree that god must be that which is infinite.

Which means there is nothing god is not and nowhere god is not.

God is in light, and love and beauty.

God is in darkness, and apathy and ugliness.

God is in our monsters and our demons.

The picture I chose for this post is a monster that was found in Borneo. No one knew what it was. They put it in a cage because they were afraid of it. It was wild and tried to chew and claw its way out of the cage. The image and story went viral. Finally, there were those who recognized this monster was just a bear that was sick with an illness that had caused it to lose its hair and look grotesque.

We are like that.

We encounter pain and suffering and it makes us sick. We lash out and act in monstrous ways. We look scary and grotesque to ourselves and to others. Our impulse is to cage that monster, to tame that monster. With laws, with religion, with dogmas and rules to follow and deeds to do. We can’t see the pain behind the monster. We can’t see that the monster is no monster at all. Just a lovely, suffering creature that needs food and nourishment, love and healing.

One of the metaphors of the crucifixion is that god is not separate from suffering.

God is the monster.

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I am not a problem to be solved

Like a snake devouring its own tail

Whew!  I haven’t written in a while.  I don’t know why.  Maybe the pandemic has taken up the oxygen in my room. But I suspect it has more to do with a problem I’ve been trying to deal with. I do this – work on problems.  I like to do this.  I like puzzles, I like to analyze things.  My ego loves the challenge of a good problem.  I like the feeling of solving it.  Both in my inner life and in my outer life. 

Often, I will notice that I am struggling in some area of life and I dig into the problem solving mode like a dog with a bone. 

The problem I was trying to solve was my increased desire to withdraw and be solitary.   Not that I think there is anything wrong with being solitary, but in my case, it just seemed that no matter how much solitude I carved out for myself, it was never enough. 

I wondered if maybe it was just a temporary phenomenon that had arisen because for the first time in my life, I found myself NOT having to take care of anyone.  My kids were all grown, off our payroll and doing well, I am no longer taking care of my parents, my  marriage is strong and stable.  At first it felt a little bit like summer break in college.  In college I would always be exhausted by the time break rolled around.  I would sleep and sleep and sleep for days on end.  Sometimes I would even get sick as soon as finals were over.   But eventually, I would emerge rested and ready to re-engage.  

This time, it seemed to just not go away.  I couldn’t get enough time alone no matter what I did.  I dreaded interactions at work, interactions with people, interactions of all kinds.  It’s probably in large part, been the reason I haven’t posted on this blog.  I just wanted to crawl in a hole. 

I’m a firm believer that the body and the emotions are very wise and will tell us things that our mind will not or cannot acknowledge.  I’m trying to learn to listen to my body and my emotions rather than just powering through and ignoring them. 

So, I listened. 

I brought the issue to my spiritual director.  I listened some more.  Then one day recently, I was sitting in meditation and brought the issue to that space.  Why I hadn’t brought it into that space before I don’t know.  I think I had been using my meditation time strictly as a time for silence – as another way to try to carve out some solitude.  

In that space I heard, “my yoke is easy and my burden is light”  

I said to the space, “This does not feel easy.  I feel burdened and weighed down by almost every kind of human interaction.” 

And as I sat with it I heard this, “Your feelings are fine.  They are not a problem to be solved.  You are not a problem to be solved.”

And there it was. 

Grace.

I am not a problem to be solved. 

And I realized that a large part of my exhaustion and desire to avoid interactions was actually coming from the judgement I was imposing on myself for the exhaustion.  Like a snake devouring its own tail. 

The realization that this feeling is not a problem to be solved was like a burden being lifted and suddenly the yoke became easy and the burden became light.  I saw how this was a burden I had laid on my own shoulders and in so many areas of life.  My emotional reactions had been problems to be solved, my body and extra pounds had become a problem to be solved, my aching feet, my aching head, my time management, etc.. etc.. all problems to be solved.  I had become a walking problem to be solved. 

I am not a problem to be solved.

You are not a problem to be solved.

Life is not a problem to be solved.

Life is just an experience to be had.  Open handed, open hearted, without judgement. 

With grace. 

Artwork taken from: lifeindetox.com/blog

To comment click on the header: “I am not a problem to be solved”

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