The Anger to Say No

I wanted her to have a voice, to connect with what she wanted, to speak up for herself. She just wouldn't. Or couldn't.

Saying no has always been problematic for me.    Maybe it’s partly due to my age.  I was raised in the seventies.  I was raised in a time when children were not allowed to say “no” to their parents.  Under any circumstances.  (Regrettably, I raised my kids this way as well.)

And as a child of the seventies, for all the progress that women made in that decade, women were still not really free to say no without disapproval.   We were still being groped and cat-called and told to smile regularly.  We were still expected not to say anything and if we did, we were called a bitch.   And let’s be honest, that still goes on today.  Progress is slow. Women in the seventies not only suppressed their “no”, they generally didn’t have much of voice to say much of anything at all.   They followed their husband if his career uprooted them.  They spent as he decided.  They cooked as he preferred.  They didn’t admit to having periods or cramps.  Women had cute little carriers in their purses for tampons because heaven forbid someone actually saw the tampon!  Many women showed up to breakfast fully dressed with hair and make-up done.  They didn’t swear and they didn’t shout.  They didn’t fart or burp. 

I heard Glennon Doyle say once that it has historically been a woman’s job to make everyone comfortable and this couldn’t be more true.  We have acted and spoken and looked a certain way in order to be approved of and in order to make everyone around us more comfortable. 

My mom lived with me from 2015-2020.  It’s interesting when we live with our parents as adults.  All the things that just seemed normal in our childhood, stand out in bold relief years later.  I left home in 1981 and 34 years later, when mom moved in, her lack of a voice was obvious to me in a way it had not been growing up.   I would ask her, "what do you want?" and she'd reply, "whatever you think."   If I made any kind of assertion she would reply, "I suppose you're right.”  She almost never voiced an opinion, a need or a want.  I had to pull it out of her.  I found that it was not only frustrating, but it hit a nerve in me. Maybe because I have worked so hard as an adult to have a voice and use it.  When it came to my mom, my brothers would say, "maybe she just doesn't want to have to make the decision, maybe she wants you to make it for her, she's so used to dad making all her decisions for her, maybe she doesn't know what she wants."  And all that was true.  But I didn't want to play that game.  I wanted her to have a voice, to connect with what she wanted, to speak up for herself.  She just wouldn't.  Or couldn't.   It made me see so plainly that this was what was modeled for me growing up. I wanted to speak up for myself. And often I couldn’t either.

My mom once told me when I was a teenager that if a woman never says no to her husband, he never has a reason to "look elsewhere".  I believed this.  It seemed reasonable to me and seemed like a good way to enact some control over my one-day future husband’s fidelity. 

In addition to culture silencing my voice, and the messages from my mom; my church silenced me as well and told me that I was not allowed to have a "no".  They were fond of quoting 1 Corinthians 7:5 at marriage retreats, “Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.”   I internalized this.  Just like with my mom’s advice, it seemed reasonable to me and seemed like a good way to enact some control over my husband’s fidelity.

(Side note: in my experience “mutual consent” for devotion to prayer never happened……did it happen for anybody?) 

The church silenced women in more ways that sexually.  A woman was not allowed to have a voice in the church.  1 Corinthians 14:34 “Women should remain silent in the churches. They are not allowed to speak, but must be in submission, as the law says.”   For many years, I internalized this and kept my thoughts an opinions to myself in church.  I wanted to be good, Christian woman, a good wife and it seemed to me that this meant not having a voice. 

But, by my mid-thirties, when everything fell apart despite all my attempts at silence and rule following, I began to rethink all this.  It occurred to me that silencing myself was a form of deceit.  My voice was my truth.  I recognize now that I had to frame it as morally superior truth-telling to be able to speak.  I was still very concerned with being “good.”    

When I started using my voice, it was not well received by my then-husband.  It was part of the beginning of the end for us. 

That was over 20 years ago, and frustratingly, “no” is still very hard for me.  For so many reasons. 

I don't want to admit that I can't do it all. 

I don't want to let people down.

I don't want to be rejected if I say no. 

I still want to be “good” and somewhere deep in my psyche, “no” is bad. 

I recently noticed that there was an area of my married life that I had been hoping would change for years, and suddenly it had. It was one of those things that kept getting talked about over and over, but real change had not occurred.  You know those things.  All marriages have them.  Those things where you think to yourself, “are we really going to have this conversation AGAIN?”  Then suddenly, after years of the same conversation, it shifted.  I thought the anger I had harbored would go away when the issue went away.  I waited for the anger and resentment to pass through me, but they didn’t.  So, it was time to talk to my therapist about it.  

I think that what I learned is important.  Even though it’s been years since I believed that it was wrong to use my voice and say “no”, the programming went deep and try as I might, I still usually feel bad for saying “no.”  The intellectual belief was not changing the emotional response.

Anger and resentment were the internal weaponry I had been using for years in order to find the courage to say no; in order to say no with minimal guilt.  To be sure, I kept them well hidden. (I didn’t want to make anyone uncomfortable.) And yet, the anger and the resentment were also the reason the "no" was only comfortable for me intellectually and not emotionally.  They were keeping the "no" stuck in my head and keeping the guilt stuck in my emotions. 

So, I'm working to lay down that weaponry.  I’m telling myself I don’t need it anymore.  I am learning to just say “no” with peace.  Not with any anger or bitterness to armor myself.  In the hopes that this gets the "no" into a place of grace and peace emotionally. 

God Our Mother

“This is my body, take and eat.”

God Our Mother
A Poem by Allison Woodard

To be a Mother is to suffer;
To travail in the dark,
stretched and torn,
exposed in half-naked humiliation,
subjected to indignities
for the sake of new life.

To be a Mother is to say,
“This is my body, broken for you,”
And, in the next instant, in response to the created’s primal hunger,
“This is my body, take and eat.”

To be a Mother is to self-empty,
To neither slumber nor sleep,
so attuned You are to cries in the night—
Offering the comfort of Yourself,
and assurances of “I’m here.”

To be a Mother is to weep
over the fighting and exclusions and wounds
your children inflict on one another;
To long for reconciliation and brotherly love
and—when all is said and done—
To gather all parties, the offender and the offended,
into the folds of your embrace
and to whisper in their ears
that they are Beloved.

To be a mother is to be vulnerable—
To be misunderstood,
Railed against,
Blamed
For the heartaches of the bewildered children
who don’t know where else to cast
the angst they feel
over their own existence
in this perplexing universe

To be a mother is to hoist onto your hips those on whom your image is imprinted,
bearing the burden of their weight,
rejoicing in their returned affection,
delighting in their wonder,
bleeding in the presence of their pain.

To be a mother is to be accused of sentimentality one moment,
And injustice the next.
To be the Receiver of endless demands,
Absorber of perpetual complaints,
Reckoner of bottomless needs.

To be a mother is to be an artist;
A keeper of memories past,
Weaver of stories untold,
Visionary of lives looming ahead.

To be a mother is to be the first voice listened to,
And the first disregarded;
To be a Mender of broken creations,
And Comforter of the distraught children
whose hands wrought them.

To be a mother is to be a Touchstone
and the Source,
Bestower of names,
Influencer of identities;
Life giver,
Life shaper,
Empath,
Healer,
and
Original Love.

Girl Talk Part 7 - Damaged Goods

When we make people “goods” it’s much easier to make them damaged goods.

Warning:  This one gets a little preachy. 

For the series “girl talk” I asked women about the toxic messages they were given as advice.  I got tons of responses on the topic of damaged goods. 

• One woman told a story about being at a retreat where the leader gave out oreo cookies to everyone.  Then he took one from one of the girls, opened it and licked out the cream filling and gave it back to her.  He proceeded to tell everyone to enjoy their cookie.  The point he then went on to make is that of course the girl didn’t want her cookie, because he had already enjoyed it.  This is how men will see her if she gives herself away sexually before marriage.  No one will want her because she is damaged goods. 

• Another told about the same kind of message she was given but using a chewed gum metaphor. 

• Another was told:  “Your virginitiy is like a flower, if you give away petals you will have nothing left for your husband”

• My mom told me when I was growing up that no one would want to buy the cow if the milk was for free. 

This purity culture messages is saying that a woman’s worth is in her purity.   It teaches women it is a good strategy to withhold sex from a man in order to get him to marry her.   So, in essence, we are setting up a system in which men marry women to get in their pants.  But what about afterwards?  What happens after that desire is satisfied?  What is the attraction at that point?  

I hate the cow analogy, but honestly, how will we ever know whether someone loves us for our personhood rather than our maidenhood unless we give the milk away for free?  Do I want my relationship to be based upon sexual coercion?

To be in a relationship with a woman, you are in a relationship with a person, not a cow, or gum or flowers or oreo cookies.  Quite obviously, a woman who has had sex is not damaged goods any more than a boy who has had sex is damaged goods. Their worth is not bound up in their purity, or honestly in any other singular aspect of their body.  Girls and boys alike must be taught that what makes a person attractive is not simply the body, virginal or not.   This kind of objectification leads to using rather than loving.   Girls and boys alike must be taught to value character, intelligence, humor and depth in the other.  These are the traits that will contribute to solid relationships of mutual respect and equality. 

There are a million ways to hurt and damage another person.  Sex can be one of them if it is undertaken without consent or respect.  But you know what else damages a person?  Reducing them to an object that is only desirable under certain conditions.   I’m sure an awful lot of kids have been damaged by the oreo cookie talk, the chewing gum analogy and the cow advice.   I have a lot more baggage from the cow advice than from sex outside of marriage. 

To be sure, it’s not just women that are hurt by messages of objectification.  When any person is objectified, it is easier for us to use, abuse and neglect them.  It is easier for us to reject them and toss them out if we don’t see them as human beings. Whether we say a woman is only desirable if she’s a virgin, or if she’s thin enough, or that a man is only desirable based on his ability to earn money and be successful.   Either way, the person is reduced to an object.  When we make people “goods” it’s much easier to make them damaged goods.   

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Girl Talk Part 6 - The "S" Word

Submit

Well, you must have known if I asked a bunch of women about toxic advice they’ve been given, that the subject of submission would come up sooner or later. I got so many responses about submission, that I can’t even begin to list them all but here are a few:   

·        A Godly woman is submissive

·        Men are the provider, pursuer, and protector

·        The wife is the “helper” or “helpmeet”  to her husband

·        The man is supposed to be the “spiritual leader” of his wife

·        Be careful about intimidating men, make sure to make yourself smaller so you don't scare them away!

 ·        A woman should never ask a man on a date, because she would be seen as too forward, desperate, or intimidating.

 I’ve waited to write about the “s” word, because it’s hard to know what to say.  It’s always been interesting to me (and tragic) that religion has taken the verses on submission and weaponized them against women. 

The Bible has much to say about an attitude of submission, and the smallest amount of it is directed at women.  Some examples: 

• Do not resist an evildoer. But if anyone strikes you on the right cheek, turn the other also; and if anyone wants to sue you and take your coat, give your cloak as well

• Lord, if my brother sins against me, how often should I forgive? As many as seven times?” 22 Jesus said to him, “Not seven times, but, I tell you, seventy-seven times

• A dispute also arose among them as to which of them was considered to be greatest. 25 Jesus said to them, “The kings of the Gentiles lord it over them; and those who exercise authority over them call themselves Benefactors. 26 But you are not to be like that. Instead, the greatest among you should be like the youngest, and the one who rules like the one who serves.

• Anyone who wants to be first must be the very last, and the servant of all.

•  Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children,  and live in love, as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God

Obviously, verses in the Bible about submission of women to their husbands were written in the context of a time in history and a society in which women did not have equality.  Sure they say that the husband is the head of the wife.  This was the way things were back then.  It was a time and a society in which women had no rights, people owned slaves, customs were different.   It’s fascinating (and not in a good way) that we are able to adjust our understanding and are able to see pretty clearly that verses about slavery, or other customs like eating meat sacrificed to idols, or covering the head during worship, do not translate literally for modern times, but the same kind of common sense is not applied to verses that describe women’s societal roles. 

Even so, if you read the verses in full, it is clear that the picture that is being painted promotes an attitude of mutual submission and respect to one another.  In addition to telling women to be submissive they say:

Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.

and

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 

Certainly a revolutionary idea for its time!  Not only does the writer ask women to be submissive, but he asks for the man to give himself up for her as Christ did for people and to submit mutually.   Surely this idea for its time promoted women and offered them a degree of status and equality that their society did not.   The verse was meant to move women ahead.

It is tragic that 2000 years later, Christianity – the very movement that set them light years ahead in the area of equality – that is now setting them light years back. 

You know what the “s” word for that is?  Shame. 

To Comment, click on the title of this post “Girl Talk Part 6 - The “S” Word”

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Girl Talk - Part 5 - Soul mates

All have shaped my soul.

In continuing my “Girl Talk” series, let’s talk about soul mates. As you know, I solicited input from women asking them what life advice they received, that they found to be toxic. Some of the women I heard from talked about how toxic the idea of a soul mate had been to them. 

I looked it up in the dictionary  

soul mate

/ˈsōl ˌmāt/

noun

plural noun: soulmates

1.      a person ideally suited to another as a close friend or romantic partner.

“Ideally suited to one another” sounds pretty non-threatening and non-toxic by definition.  And yet most people have a much more emotionally charged idea of the soul mate.  The soul mate is often thought of as one person out there that is your one true love, your prince charming, “the one god has for you.” 

This idea of a soul mate can be a pretty heavy burden.  It’s a lot of pressure to think that you have this one shot to find the ONE. 

What if you never find them? 

What if you miss your opportunity?

How will you know when it’s “the one?” 

What if you misjudge it and end up with someone who isn’t “the one?”  

One website I read said, “Your soulmate makes you feel entirely whole, healed and intact, like no piece is missing from the puzzle.”   

Wait…. what?????

I went through years of therapy to learn that no person can make me feel whole, healed and intact.  It was my job to become whole and bring that whole person into the relationship.  Two halves don’t make a whole – two wholes make a whole.  

As a girl, I was raised on fairy tales and romance novels.  I bought into the soul-mate myth and when I was sixteen I met him.  Love at first site, intense, passionate.  We could finish one another’s sentences, we could finish each other’s jokes, we knew what the other one was thinking without even having to say anything.   We married young and were completely confident that we were soul-mates.   And maybe we were for that moment in time, as young-love teenagers, and yet we weren’t whole and complete, so the whole thing fell apart.  We expected the other one to fill the void, to fulfill the dream of happily ever after, but that’s not how happily ever after works.  

Happily ever after isn’t about riding off into the sunset with someone who makes you feel whole, healed and intact, it’s about being with someone who takes responsibility for their own wholeness and healing and shares that journey honestly with you.  That journey with someone is messy.  It’s filled with beauty and also with conflict, boredom, and irritation.  It’s mundane.  It’s being OK with the fact that sometimes you can’t stand how much you love them and sometimes you just can’t stand them.  

If your idea of a soul mate is this one magical person who will come into your life, sweep you off your feet and fill your every desire, when the day-in, day-out of life rubs the shine off the relationship, and your every desire is not being fulfilled, you might just start thinking you’re with the wrong person.  You might start believing that you made  a mistake and missed your soul-mate.  You might start looking around thinking that your TRUE soul-mate is out there somewhere.  And you will miss the beauty of the real-life love that’s right in front of you. 

If there are soul-mates, I like the idea that they are simply people that come into our lives and touch our souls in some way. 

Friends, encounters, siblings, children, parents, lovers. 

I’ve had many soul mates.  Some have come into my life and left again.  Some have stayed.  All have changed me in one way or another.  All have shaped my soul. 

“When you meet that person. a person. one of your soulmates. let the connection. the relationship. be what it is. it may be five minutes. five hours. five days. five months. five years. a lifetime. five lifetimes. let it manifest itself the way it is meant to be. it has an organic destiny. this way it stays or if it leaves. you will be softer. from having been loved this authentically. souls come into. return. open. and sweep through your life for a myriad of reason. let them be who. and what they are meant to be."      -Nayyirah Waheed

To comment, click on the title of this post “Girl Talk - Part 5 - Soul mates”

Girl Talk - Part 4 - Pretty is as Pretty does

For men, the way they look is divorced from their behavior.

“Pretty is as Pretty does”

This little piece of advice seems harmless.   My mom used to say this to me to encourage good behavior.  I think it probably worked. What I didn’t realize is that it taught me that being pretty is the goal.  Not being smart, not being funny, not being well educated, or a leader, or someone who makes a difference in the world. 

Being pretty

Being ornamental

Eye Candy

My brothers were never advised “handsome is as handsome does”.   I wonder what that would even mean?   In thinking about what the list of “handsome is as handsome does” might include, it didn’t compute. We don’t have behaviors that equate to a “handsome” in men. We have behaviors that equate to a gentleman, but not a handsome man. For men, the way they look is divorced from their behavior. For women, it comes as a package deal and it’s all about being attractive to others.

“Pretty” actions, in my mother’s definition were things like: gentleness, submissiveness, compliance, quietness and a soft-spoken tone, hospitality, being even-tempered and positive, being accommodating.  It’s not that she ever really defined what she meant by “pretty is as pretty does” in so many words, but she modeled it.

“Ugly is as ugly does” would have been defined as:   Anger, outspokenness, assertiveness, argumentative, loudness, highly opinionated, dominance. 

All of the “ugly” qualities for me were the very qualities that were modeled for my brothers as qualities of a man. My dad modeled strength, volume, strong, authoritative (and often angry) opinions and criticisms, and immovability. He was called a gentleman because he opened doors for ladies, brought home flowers, didn’t burp or fart or swear in front of ladies and was well groomed. It had nothing to do with his being gentle.

An outspoken, assertive and dominant man is a leader. An outspoken, assertive and dominant woman is a bitch. And society tells us a bitch is ugly.

To comment, click on the title of this post: “Girl Talk - Part 4 - Pretty is as Pretty does”

Girl Talk - Part 3 - Paint the Barn Door

It means to put on make-up.

In the FB group where I asked women for the best, most toxic phrases they’ve been given as girl advice, one woman posted that she was taught that woman should be sure to “paint the barn door” before their husbands get home from work. 

Several of us had to ask what that even meant, so she enlightened us.  It means to put on make-up. 

Not only is this supposed to be good advice for women, it’s supposed to be someone’s idea of good “Christian” advice for women. I guess they didn’t read the verse that says that our beauty is not supposed to come from “outward adornment.”

What is the purpose of advice of this type?  It is a message of control.   If we make ourselves as beautiful as we can, we will “keep our man.”  We are in control. 

There are so many versions of this out there.  Some years ago, I was in a women’s bible study, in which the writer of the course said she always makes sure her make up is on and hair is done before her husband leaves in the morning so that the last image he has of her is one of beauty.  This, she stated, would help him resist temptation when he encountered beautiful women “out there” because he would remember he had a beautiful woman at home. 

Is that the kind of society we want to create?!  A world where men are helpless and we hold control over them with our beauty?    Maybe, for some, it is. 

This kind of quest for control comes at a price.  The notion that women are in control of men’s sexual behaviors is one of the issues in rape culture.  A woman is asked, “what were you wearing?” “why were you in that place?” etc… as though she could have controlled the situation with her appearance or behavior.  We cannot expect to put forth messages that perpetuate the myth that women are responsible for men’s sexual behavior, and not expect a backlash in which victims of sexual misconduct are blamed. 

This way of thinking does men such a disservice as well.  Imagine if you were raised with the message that the way another person LOOKED would cause you to either behave well, or badly.  How out of control would you feel?   One woman in the discussion said her husband felt that this type of a message is demeaning to men – and he’s right!  This message of disempowerment is as destructive to men as it is to women. 

Another problem with this type of a message is it makes sexuality about fear and control.  The hidden message is, “I’m afraid my husband will cheat.  I need to do something about it.  I can control his fidelity with my beauty. I need to put on make-up, get a boob-job, diet more, get collagen fillers, botox” ……. and the list never ends because if a little control is good, more is even better.   As long as we operate from this mindset, we can expect that our sex lives will be about fear and control, and not about love and intimacy.   

My first husband was unfaithful.  When we were going through counseling, I tried and tried to figure out what I had done or not done, and what I could do or not do to prevent it.  Maybe if I had been more of this, less of that; prettier, thinner, – something. 

Anything. 

Maybe if I had prayed more or better.  Maybe …… 

And make no mistake, he tried to convince me it was my fault as well. 

I attended a support group at the time and looked around at the array of spouses who had been betrayed;  smart, not-smart, successful, unsuccessful, beautiful, not so beautiful, thin, not thin.  Their stories were as varied as they were.   There was no pattern to it.  It seemed that pretty much anyone could be betrayed for any reason whatsoever or for no reason at all.   My therapist asked me this question, “would there have been anything he could have done or not done that would have caused you to cheat?”  I knew the answer was no and then I knew that there was nothing I could have done or not done that would have kept him faithful.  His behavior belonged to him.  

You would think this would have been a relief and in one way it was, but in another it was not.  As long as I thought there was something I could DO (i.e paint the barn door or something), I had some shred of control.   Once I realized there was nothing I had done or could do, I felt no control whatsoever.   Then, and only then, did I understand the nature of love.  Love is freely given, without trying to control the other person.  You hope the person will love you back, for who you are and not for your paint-job.  You hope they will stay with you as your paint starts to crack and peel, but, sometimes they don’t, and your heart breaks.  

….but, there is someone who will. 

To comment, click on the title of this post: “Girl Talk - Part 3 - Paint the Barn Door”

Girl Talk - Part 1 - Uncle talk

He thought this particular story was funny, I did not

In my blog post “Mottoes – Part 2 – The Cow”, I talked about the motto “no one will buy the cow if the milk is for free” and just how toxic that saying really is.  This was even more in my thoughts because of an encounter I had in a recent conversation with my uncle. This encounter, which I will discuss below, got me thinking about the power of words when it comes to women, our roles, our equality, our respect. I was reflecting on how so many things are said to women and about women that would never be said to or about men.

So this next series is about mottoes that are given only to women, sayings only about women, and advice given to men and women about women.  There is so much that is said to women and about women that is supposed to contain some kind of wisdom, that instead fosters dysfunction in relationships, contributes to rape culture,  demeans  men and women alike and is just generally shitty advice.  Hopefully, these posts will make you angry, and sad, and make you think about the power of words.  

I put out a Facebook post today in a group I’m a part of asking women what mottoes they’ve been given about women or womanhood that were supposed to be sage advice, but were just toxic.  The response was overwhelming.   We have some things to get off our chests!

Sometimes in this series, I will take the motto, and flip it to the masculine, just to show how awful or ridiculous these sayings are.  I stole this device from a brilliant twitter feed that I love; @themanwhohasitall.  The feed is at once comical and horrifying – I highly recommend it. 

I mentioned above that this series arose from a conversation I had with my uncle.  I’ll tell that story here - prepare to feel outraged. 

My uncle is in his late 70’s.  He is what is often affectionately referred to as “a character”, and looks a little like the guy in the picture above.   He likes to tell stories and often his stories are funny and fun to listen to, but this was not one of those times. 

Well, HE thought this particular story was funny, I did not. 

He was telling us a story about his cousin, who is an odd guy, and how he was a late bloomer where girls were concerned.   In telling about how his cousin “discovered girls” in college, my uncle stated, “he finally figured out what girls were for…” 

I wish I could say I came back at him with a sharp and scathing reply.  I didn’t.  I can never seem to think on my feet in moments like this.  One hour later, I thought of many sarcastic and biting things I wish I had interjected:

“OH!  Is THAT what girls are for??!!”

“What?  What do you mean?  What are girls for?” 

“Oh!  I didn’t know that’s what girls were for!  Is that what your daughters are for?!”

“Did you really just say, ‘he figured out what girls were for?’….”

… and so on. 

My husband who also sat there dumbstruck by the comment said later, “you should have seen the look on your face!”  He also said he wished he had thought to say, “Hey Heather, did you know that’s what girls are for!?” 

It was a missed opportunity for both of us.   Maybe next time…..

It  made me think about all the times when women are harassed, exploited, assaulted and demeaned.  So often, people ask, “why didn’t she speak up?”, or like my post in #me too – part 1, “why didn’t she just tell him to fuck off?”   Sometimes you’re just so dumbstruck, so punched-in-the-gut, so taken off guard, that you can’t think of anything to say, so you just stand there silent and angry.  And later, you’re angry at yourself for just standing there.   

Taking it.

To comment, click on the title of this post “Girl Talk - Part 1 - Uncle Talk”

#Metoo - part 3

"Why don't girls just ask for help?"

I was speaking to Will.  Will is a 23 year old college student.  He's a nice looking kid, sensitive, intelligent, well spoken and artistic.    Will said,  "I don’t understand why girls don’t just ask me for help if they feel afraid.  Like if they are afraid to walk to their car at night when leaving a bar, why don’t those women just ask a guy to escort them?  I would be more than happy to make sure a girl gets to her car safely.  It makes me sad for them that they are afraid of all men.  I mean, most guys are good guys and, like me they would be happy to help out.  It upsets me to be lumped in with the creeps." 

I agreed with Will; most guys are good guys and they would be happy to help.    But I explained to Will that there’s just no way a woman can ever know who is the good guy and who is the bad guy.   I was married to a guy for almost eighteen years who I thought was one kind of guy and it turned out he was another.  Statistically, women are more likely to be assaulted by someone they know than by a stranger.  Dads assault their daughters, uncles assault their nieces, boyfriends rape their girlfriends, neighbors rape their neighbors.  I asked Will how a woman is supposed to assess which guy to ask for help?  If she can’t even trust her father, or her husband to keep her safe – then who?  

Statistically, one in five women has been the victim of attempted or completed rape in their lifetime, and nearly 1 in 2 have experienced sexual violence other than rape in their lifetime (rrsonline.org) 

Will, imagine you were up against those statistics.  Imagine you were in a bar full of men and you knew your odds were 1 in 2 for being attacked.   You know that in that bar, almost all the guys are good guys.  How do you spin those odds?  Who do you trust in that bar?   How do you choose?

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#Metoo - part 2

"We expect and demand that women be patient, nurturing, forgiving, healing, self-effacing and self-sacrificing.  Women are expected to be nonviolent in a violent male society"

In Richard Rohr’s book “Simplicity” he writes: 

“In the patriarchal view (1) all relationships are eventually defined in terms of superiority and inferiority, and (2) the all-important need for order and control is assured by the exercise of dominative power…..(this) has served to dehumanize and therefore despiritualize generations of races, nations, professions, women, sexual minorities, handicapped people, the weak and the elderly whom the powerful are able to disparage culturally and dismiss as being of no account.  Not only are the rich and powerful able to project their own darkness onto such groups, but the group normally accept that darkness as their true value. “

Historically, in many ways, women have been blamed for and have often accepted the responsibility for sexual dominance, control and abuse at the hands of men.

• At a party recently, my friend was kissed without her consent by a man who was not her husband "because she was so beautiful"
• As a teen, I was given the advice that if a woman never said no to her husband, he would never have a reason to "look elsewhere". 
• My daughters were cautioned as teens to dress only in certain ways or they might cause boys to "stumble" and lust.  
• When the news was full of stories of sexual harassment recently, my 84 year old mom recently responded with “after all …. the way women dress these days”
• In a ladies Bible study 15 years ago, the woman who produced the video series said that she got up every morning and put on make-up and rolled her hair before her husband left for work.  She did this so the last image he had of her as he left the house was one of beauty.  In this way, he would not be tempted by other women as he went through his day. 
• In my first marriage, my husband told me he couldn't slow down sexually for me because I drove him "out of control".
• When someone close to me was raped years ago, I was counseled by her therapist to not encourage her to press charges because the court process would be more of a rape than the rape itself.  

More from Rohr:

“without success (by his own definition) and control, the patriarch does not know who he is….such a life would not be worth living.   The language of patriarchy is always a noble or macho language of patriotism and freedom.  Men and their female echoes are always speaking it”

“Jesus would never have broken through (patriarchy)…if he had acted non-violently in a feminine body. ..because we expect and demand that women be patient, nurturing, forgiving, healing, self-effacing and self-sacrificing.  Women are expected to be nonviolent in a violent male society… but we are still not prepared for males or institutions or nations to act nonviolently.  That is why god had to become incarnate for us in the body of a man. “

If men can  blame women for and project their sexual impulses upon women, and women accept this blame/projection , then men need never come to terms with their sexual impulses and desires.  

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