Self improvement projects

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self-aggression is way out of feeling vulnerable.

“Self-improvement projects are acts of self-aggression. “

I heard someone say this on a podcast this week – and I felt a strong “yes!”

Our culture is so obsessed with self-help and self-improvement.  My social media feeds are full of public figures who are releasing their daily thoughts on how I can be healthier, happier, more beautiful, more spiritual, more, more, more. 

I know full well that most of these social media gurus have the best of intentions.  Sure, there are some that are just trying to make a buck, but I choose to believe that most of them want to make the world a better place and help alleviate suffering. 

But, does it alleviate suffering?  I don’t know about you, but when I’m constantly presented with messages of how I need to change, it creates a low-level anxiety in me.  There is a background voice that says I’m not OK just as I am.  I need to be healthier, happier, more beautiful, more spiritual, and so on.  

I did a little reading on self-aggression.   Mental health professionals say that self-aggression is way out of feeling vulnerable. 

We know our vulnerabilities only too well, our health is fragile and can be taken from us at any time, our happiness is tenuous and comes and goes at a moment’s notice, our beauty is fleeting, our very lives are fleeting.   Sometimes, we just want a way out of that tension.   And for many the “way out” is self-help.   

When we engage in self-help, we finally have an emotional state that we are controlling.  “If I would just work harder, be smarter, lose weight, be happier, make more money, be how my parents want me to be,  etc… I wouldn’t feel this way.”  So we focus on making ourselves a self-improvement project and we crack the whip.  On ourselves.  In an act of self-aggression.

And then we wonder why we feel even worse.

Chasing the Red Dot

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She will never catch it, because it isn’t even a thing

Years ago, my daughter said that to her, a human trying to figure out what god is, is a lot like her kitten chasing the laser pointer. The kitten has no idea what the red dot on the wall is, but she is compelled by it and can’t resist it and continues to chase it. She will never catch it, because it isn’t even a thing, but she keeps trying anyway.

That seems like pretty accurate theology to me.

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Embodiment

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Embodiment is a revelation.

em·bod·i·ment

/əmˈbädēmənt/

noun

noun: embodiment; plural noun: embodiments

1.     a tangible or visible form of an idea, quality, or feeling.

Similar:

personification

incarnation

incorporation

realization

manifestation

expression

representation

actualization

concretization

symbol

o    the representation or expression of something in a tangible or visible form.

Similar:

personification

incarnation

incorporation

realization

I can very easily be in my head, rather than in my feelings or my body.   During the COVID 19 pandemic, my body has been a visible form of a feeling.  It has an appetite that it ordinarily does not.  It has a drive to store fat in response to the feeling of an uncertain future.  The body knows. 

Our bodies reveal hidden truths to us. Even when we don't know that we have something we need to know, our bodies will tell us. They get sick, they are “accident prone”, they break down, they have panic attacks, they gain weight, they lose weight, the hair rises on the back of our necks and so on. All of these things are there to tell us something if we will listen.   Embodiment is a revelation.

Embodiment is the act of taking something intangible and making it tangible.  It is the act of incarnation of truth.  Sometimes that incarnation reveals truth that we do not want to see. 

The creation reveals the creator.

Separation

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separation is not a thing to be avoided and gotten rid of, it is strangely to be embraced as the thing that draws us together.

In this time of social distancing due to COVID19, it occurs to me that the Bible narrative has an awful lot of content about separation and distancing. 

In the Genesis myth – there was this lie about separation.   Adam and Eve somehow felt separated from god and felt they needed to take action to close the gap.  To “become more like god” through knowledge.  So, they did what they thought was needed to end separation which actually led them both to a more profound separation as they hid and as they covered up their vulnerability and nakedness, and as they were expelled from Eden. 

Cain was distanced from his family after he killed his brother

Noah was quarantined with his family during the flood

Abram left his country and went to a distant land.

The Israelite nation are commanded to distance themselves from other nations.  To stay separate.  They have laws and more laws about what not to touch and what to distance themselves from in order to “stay clean" (and likely in those times, before refrigeration and germ theory – alive)

Mystics and prophets distanced themselves in the desert.  

Even the crucifixion story is about distancing, “My god, my god, why have you forsaken me? “

If you are familiar with your bible stories, many more will spring to mind.

What is it about separation and distance?

My religious upbringing spun all this separation in the biblical mythology as a warning about sin and purity.  Sin will separate us from god and from each other.   Purity will keep us from separation.   The goal is to get rid of sin and thus get rid of separation. 

This interpretation is very much like the ancient Jewish notion of purity.  It is about uncleanness, contamination and contagion.   In modern times, we haven’t dealt too much with issues of global, uncontrollable contagion, until the recent COVID-19 pandemic.  Suddenly, we find ourselves thrust into a world of “Don’t touch or you’ll be infected.  Wash your hands, wear a mask.   Unclean! Unclean!”

But underneath the story that is told out of paranoia of becoming unclean, another story is being told.   A story about oneness, longing and desire. 

Separation will keep you safe from contamination, but it will also make you aware that you are not separate at all.  You are a part of a global body.  A body you need to touch, feel and interact with.  A body that, no matter how its members separate from one another, continues to infect one another; not just with COVID-19, but emotionally as well. The more we are separated from others, the more we realize our need for them and our longing to be with them.  The more we try to not be affected by it all (whether physically or emotionally), the more we are aware that we are affected.

By it all.

And in contrast, when we are in too close a proximity, we have no opportunity for desire.  When you get rid of separation, what you start longing for is separation.  During this quarantine parents and kids have just had it with the togetherness, husbands and wives are on each other’s last nerve, even cat memes have become about how they can’t wait for their owners to get out of the house. 

So, separation is not a thing to be avoided and gotten rid of, it is strangely to be embraced as the thing that draws us together.  

 It’s a push-pull.  I want you close, but not TOO close.  Like a fire that needs breathing room to roar and when smothered snuffs out.  

So, maybe rather than all the separation stories in the Bible being about impurity and punishment, maybe these stories are better read like a book about the push and pull of desire. On the one hand, it reads like a romance novel about mankind’s longing to be united with the divine, and on the other hand it is a story about how their attempt to get rid of separation resulted in even more.     

And maybe the COVID-19 story is like that too.  It is a story that is being written in history about how in our separated, xenophobic, polarized world, try as we might to get rid of this separation through political means, along came quarantine to separate us and to remind us just how much we are all one global organism that cannot be separated from itself. Along came COVID-19 to teach us that we love one another and need one another and long for connection with one another. 

Like many good love stories. 

Life from death.

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I wanted to share it with you so you don’t feel alone.

Today is Easter.  We are all quarantined because of COVID19, and so we watched inspirational talks on social media, and shared pictures of what we baked, and zoomed with our families. 

At noon, I watched Andrea Bocelli live stream from Milan Italy.  I watched a man in a beautiful church, a man who couldn’t see anything of the beauty around him stand there and sing his heart out as his offering to the world.  There were camera shots of the empty streets in Italian cities.  As Bocelli poured out his gift for us all.  

It was breathtaking.

 It made me realize that one of the most moving things about this quarantine is to watch how people are just pouring themselves out to one another to say, “I’m here, I see you, I’m with you.”  Singers are singing to the world from their homes, from isolated places.  For free.    A trumpeter plays from a balcony in Italy.  In Missoula Montana, the entire town howls together at 7pm to show their support for the essential care workers.  In the town of Belper in the UK, residents lean out of their windows at 6:30 each evening a “moo” together.  Oprah invites us into her kitchen to cook.  Preachers and teachers continue to speak words of hope across the miles.  Miki808 holds a dance party for us every day on Instagram.  And most of this has no personal gain attached to it.  The moo-ers and the trumpeters and the howlers are not getting paid for it.   It’s just for love and solidarity and support. 

It’s so lovely.

We’re in the midst of an experience which brings us face to face with the reality that we have no real control over our lives  -- our loved ones could become sick and die, our jobs could disappear any minute, our homes, our retirements.  And yet, faced with this reality that we so often don’t have to acknowledge, our instinct is to throw whatever small gift (or large gift if you’re Andrea Bocelli) we have out into the universe for each other…

The collective body of humanity seems to be saying, “I can’t save your job, your bank account or even your life, but here’s my song, here’s the flower I saw on my walk today, here’s a joke, here’s the bread I baked today, here’s a dance I am dancing , here’s my howl or my moo…..  I wanted to share it with you so you don’t feel alone.”      

It brings me to tears.

Life from death.

Happy Easter. 

Meaningless, meaningless

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Today, god affirms the meaninglessness of all evil…

“Today god affirms the meaninglessness of all evil and the shitty randomness of all that is shitty and random. Today is for the countless victims of the unfair trial, today is for the needlessly downtrodden, today is against the lynchings and pogroms carried out in the name of this crucified messiah. Today there is no deeper meaning to your depression, to your divorce or to the death of your child The death of the Christ affirms what you knew in your gut all along, that your trauma is utterly meaningless. Today there is no grand plan. Today, guilt lies firmly at the feet of the abusers and injustice remains wholly unjust. Everything that is random remains divinely…. random” Adam Dawkins

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S0cefepgtGs&feature=youtu.be&app=desktop

Even this is my body

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For everything created by God is good, and nothing is to be rejected.

incarnate

verb

in·​car·​nate | \ in-ˈkär-ˌnāt  , ˈin-ˌkär- \

a: to give bodily form and substance to

The Genesis story is the the story of the incarnation. God giving substance to the universe. The entire universe in an incarnation of god. God’s body.

God is through all and in all.

For everything created by God is good, and nothing is to be rejected.

For by god all things were created, in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or dominions or rulers or authorities—all things were created through god and for god.

There are parts of the universal body of god that bring death and parts that bring life. God’s body is continually dying and being reborn over and over. This life and death principle has always been at work in the universal body of god

It has been “slain from the foundation of the the world. “

This life and death dynamic within the universal body of god is unavoidable.

“unless you eat and drink of it, you have no life”

The universal body of god includes all of it. Disasters, diseases, pandemics, death. And rebirths and resurrections.

Chaos

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…you did not recognize the time of god’s coming to you

I’m writing this during the COVID-19 crisis.  People are practicing social distancing, there’s no toilet paper to be had …. anywhere.   Stores and businesses are closing.  It feels like chaos.   Folks are losing their jobs, their retirement accounts, their peace of mind.  

In the Bible, Luke 19, Jesus weeps over Jerusalem and says,

“If only you could know what brings peace, but it is hidden from your eyes…. Because you did not recognize the time of god’s coming to you”

The back story here is that the Israelite nation was about to enter a period of destruction and chaos. Jerusalem was going to be destroyed and they would be overtaken by their enemies and “dashed to the ground.” 

Not a happy time. 

Not at peaceful time.

It feels a little like that right now with what’s going on with COVID 19.  Not happy.  Not peaceful.  

I get why Jesus might be talking about knowing what brings peace.  We all look for peace during chaotic times.  But why is Jesus talking about “the time of god’s coming to you?”

What could this mean?

We usually equate “god’s coming to us” with good things.  Beautiful events.  Moments of awe and wonder.  Victories.  Light and joy and all that good stuff.

Chaos is not disorder. Chaos is the totality of existence. You could call it God. You could use the term, the Tao. I like chaos. It means more to us in English. Chaos is all things, wild and wonderful, connected perfectly by the life force. Frederick Lenz

Could chaos also be god coming to us?

Could the chaos that occurs within a cell when it mutates and creates something novel be god coming to us?

Could the chaos in ecological systems that maintains the equilibrium of the planet be god coming to us?

Could the chaos in economic and political systems that correct imbalances of power be god coming to us?

Could god come to us through death and destruction?

My cynical view on relationships

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Imagine the person you love. What if they sacrificed themselves on the altar of your relationship?

In marriage as in most things, we tend to strive for success.  We’ve made a commitment.  We’ve made a promise.  We’ve made vows, “in sickness and in health, til death do us part”  …. or something. 

How would you feel if you went into a marriage being perfectly OK with it failing?  How would you feel if the person you married felt that way? 

It sounds cold, it sounds cynical. 

In my first marriage, which was problematic from the start, we went to a marriage counselor the first year of our marriage.  He led with a statement about how in order to really do good therapeutic work, divorce needed to be an option.  We left and never went back because, for us, it wasn’t an option.  Twelve or so years later, I went to a therapist to work on some anger issues I was having.  She led with a statement about how in order to really do good therapeutic work, I was going to have to be willing to consider ending my marriage as an option.   I stopped seeing her immediately.  It wasn’t an option. 

Of course, if you read my blog you know that my marriage fell apart anyway and divorce, which had never been an option became a reality.   I’ve come to believe that one of the things that contributed to the failure of that relationship was the fact that divorce was not an option.

I know, that sounds weird.  Backward.  Like an oxymoron. 

But there are a lot of deeply spiritual principles that are backward, upside-down, oxymoronic.

Love your enemies.

Blessed are those that mourn.

Rejoice in suffering.

Lose your life to find it.

It’s the final one that speaks to my cynical view on relationships.  And here’s why.  If failure is not an option, then the game becomes about survival and success and not about love. If the goal is success, then one or both people in the relationship may stop being authentic and lose touch with what they want and who they are.  If the goal is survival of the relationship, one or both people may essentially give up anything and everything to preserve the relationship.   The problem with that is that if you give up anything and everything, you ultimately lose yourself as well.  You give yourself up in service to the preservation of the relationship.   And then guess what?  It’s not a relationship you are in anymore.  But rather, some version of yourself that you have created that you think will lead to success.  But not the real you.  Not the one that person fell in love with to begin with.  

Relationships take risk.

You have to be brave.

You have to embrace death to live. 

You have to be able to say, “This is me.  This is what I want.  This is who I am and what kind of relationship I’m interested in.” 

You have to be able to say, “If that’s not what you want, that’s OK, but I’m not willing to lose myself in order to save the relationship.” 

and….

“I don’t want you to either.”  

Some might disagree and say that the ultimate romantic move is for someone to give everything up for them. 

“This is how we know what love is, to lay down one’s life for another.”

But laying down one’s life is vastly different than being fake and living a lie.   Laying down one’s life certainly means sacrifice, but it doesn’t mean dishonesty.  

Imagine the person you love. What if they sacrificed themselves on the altar of your relationship? What if they quit doing what they love, gave up their passions, stopped being THEM for you? Can you imagine what a tragedy it would be? How BORING it would be to be with that shell of who they really are?

The times that I’ve had the courage to say to my husband, “This is me and this is what I want and if this is not what you want it’s OK.”   THOSE were the times I was laying down my life.  I was putting my heart out there to get broken in the name of honesty.  In the name of being true to myself and in the name of allowing him to be true to who he is and what he wants. 

Those other times?  When I was pretending to be something else, or cramming myself into a box that I thought might please?   Those times I was trying to force my agenda on him and asked him to be dishonest about what he wanted so that I would be more comfortable? That wasn’t laying down my life, that was just living a falsehood in order to control an outcome.  

To lay down your life is the ultimate risk, the ultimate surrender.  It involves no control of any kind.  

Because love can only exist where there is freedom.  

“The law brings death, but the spirit of grace brings life.”