Pro Death

Everything is permissible

Egos like to create binaries.

Binaries make an attempt to simplify things. They help us make sense of our world, they help us feel safe and in control.  They give us a sense that we understand what we are seeing and have things figured out.

Binaries are problematic.

Nothing is a simple as it seems.  We love black and white but the world is full of grey.  We aren’t in control and we don’t have it all figured out. 

Good vs. Evil

Right vs. Wrong

Do we even know the difference?  Are we sure? 

Pro life vs. pro choice.

Death is bound up in life.

A person is born , life springs forth and that person lives a life full of horrible pain, suffering and torment. A hell on earth. 

Life is bound up in death.

A woman ends a pregnancy and grieves.  But, in this act she has unknowingly prevented the life of someone who would have grown up to endure great suffering or to inflict great suffering.   She has prevented a hell on earth. 

Decades ago, in my fundamentalist days, I used to say I was pro-life which meant I was against capital punishment, war and abortion.

But now I realize I'm also pro-death which means that many, many times there are worse things, more evil things than death.

If a person’s life here on earth is hell, I'm against that hell.  Whatever it means to bring heaven  to even one person, for even a moment,  I'm for that.  

For me there are no easy binaries. That's why we must exist in a place of grace rather than law.

Everything is permissible but not everything is beneficial.

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Weeds

‘Do you want us to go and pull them up?’

 “‘No,’ he answered, ‘because while you are pulling the weeds, you may uproot the wheat with them. 

Parsnips

I garden.  This year for the first time, I planted parsnips.  I love parsnips.  They are sweet and good for you, and I was really looking forward to growing them. 

In the row where they were planted, some little green plants emerged.  But they didn’t look like I expected.  I thought a parsnip seedling would look a lot like a carrot.  These looked like a weed.  Could they be parsnips?  Should I pull them up, or leave them alone? 

So, of course, as anyone would I googled pictures of parsnip seedlings. 

Similar.  

But I also have this weed that comes up everywhere that looks a lot like that parsnip.  What to do? 

So, I left them. 

And waited.

Turns out they were weeds and my parsnips never sprouted.  

But I thought about the parsnips and how that’s so much like life.  Something arises in life, a circumstance, an opportunity, a hardship.  Something arises in our children, an attitude, an ambition, a behavior.  Something arises in our loved one, a discontentedness, a restlessness, a sadness.  Something arises inside ourselves; an uncertainty, a sorrow, a fear.  

And we are terrified.  We scramble to pluck it, fix it, medicate it, smooth it over.  

It's so hard to just let it sit, let it grow, and see if it’s a parsnip.

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Soils

“For me, the word “God” means “reality”.  Reality is God, because it rules.”

It’s spring and I’ve just spent the weekend composting my garden and planting.  So it seems the right time to post about soils. 

“A farmer went out to sow his seed. As he was scattering the seed, some fell along the path, and the birds came and ate it up. Some fell on rocky places, where it did not have much soil. It sprang up quickly, because the soil was shallow. But when the sun came up, the plants were scorched, and they withered because they had no root. Other seed fell among thorns, which grew up and choked the plants. Still other seed fell on good soil, where it produced a crop—a hundred, sixty or thirty times what was sown. Whoever has ears, let them hear.”

This parable is from the book of Matthew in the Bible.  It is explained later by Jesus and he says that the seed that falls on the different soils is the word of God.  I was always taught to hear “the word” as the “scriptures” or the “bible”.  But the “word” in the original text is “logos” – logic.

The word

The logos

The logic of God

God’s logic is not what we would expect.  Down is up and up is down.  We love our enemies.  The meek inherit the earth.  Those things we think are bad are actually good – or vice versa. 

If God brings a reality into my life that I don’t like – I may use my logic to judge it as a “bad” reality.  I may reject this and fight, struggle, and rage to change this reality for a different one.  Believe me, I've spent hours, days, weeks, years doing just that.  But God has given me the very reality I am struggling to change.  Or maybe God IS the very reality I'm struggling against.  His logic has said, “this is the story I am giving you right now.  This is my logic about how your life will go.”  If I reject this logic, this word – I am the path (the hard soil). If I accept his logic, but let the cares of my life (my busy-ness, my worries and concerns) distract me from really taking it IN and experiencing it and learning from it, I am the rocky soil or the thorny soil.  In all cases, whether path, rocky or thorny, what little fruit might have sprung from reality, will be unrealized. 

In her book, “Loving what is” Byron Katie states:

“For me, the word “God” means “reality”.  Reality is God, because it rules.”

She does a beautiful job describing the good soil:

“I am a lover of what is, not because I’m a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. We can know that reality is good just as it is, because when we argue with it, we experience tension and frustration. We don’t feel natural or balanced. When we stop opposing reality, action becomes simple, fluid, kind, and fearless.” 
 

When I planted my garden this weekend, I turned compost into the soil.  I want the soil to be moist and full of organic matter so it will hold water and nurture the seeds I plant.

In my life, when I take in reality – the word – the logos - and let it sit there – like a seed in good soil, when I hold it inside, and tend to it ….

Something will grow.  

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Mercy not sacrifice

  "But go and learn what this means: 'I desire mercy, not sacrifice'" 

 When I first latched onto this as my favorite verse, it was because Jesus starts the sentence by saying “but go and learn what this means.”   This implies that we don’t know, and we won’t know, and that we will have to spend some time figuring it out.  I like a good challenge.

 And I've found that it's the truth.   I don't know and I’m still trying to figure it out. 

Amongst followers of Jesus, and socially conscious persons, and in-general-do-gooder-types, there is this pervasive sense that if we are not sacrificing, we are failing in some fundamental way.  For the Jesus-types, we are not “picking up our cross daily”.  For the others we are not practicing a high enough level of social consciousness and should be sacrificing more for the cause. 

 But maybe we've got that all wrong. 

We must have made it into something it's not because Jesus is saying he does NOT desire sacrifice. Therefore:

Sacrifice is NOT what “picking up your cross” means. 

Sacrifice is NOT what following Jesus means. 

 Then what IS IT? 

 Mercy

 Sacrifice is hard sometimes, but it’s not nearly as hard as mercy.   I can make a sacrifice even when my heart’s not in it and I don’t want to.  I can make a sacrifice simply out of obligation or guilt or legalism.  I can make a sacrifice through gritted teeth and clenched fists.  I can make a sacrifice for recognition, or glory or honor.

But mercy. Mercy cuts through a lot of bullshit.   Try summoning up mercy by sheer willpower, through a clenched fist or gritted teeth, or simply because it’s the “right” thing to do.   

Your heart has to actually be in mercy. 

You kind of have to work through stuff in your own heart to get to mercy. 

To live mercy, you have to know what you feel, what you’re angry about, and what you want.   

 When I was 28 a therapist told me to spend two weeks doing nothing out of obligation, but doing only those things I WANTED to do.  Everyone should do this exercise -maybe periodically throughout their lives.  It sounds selfish, but it was transformational.  (Keep in mind this happened to me 25 years ago, so I'm not kidding when I said that I'm still trying to figure out mercy not sacrifice).

 At first this "do what you want" thing is just a free-for-all in self-indulgence and it’s kind of fun when you have been given permission by a mental health professional. 

 After a time, you begin to realize that many of the things you are not doing because you thought you didn’t like doing them, you actually WANT to do after all.  You also realize many things you were fantasizing about doing, you actually don’t want to do. 

In a nutshell, by practicing a time of grace, you learn your truth in ways that you will never learn it when obligation and legalism are in play. 

 You can even just play the game in your head.  In some ways it’s what we are doing when we think about what we’d do if we won the lottery.  We are playing a thought experiment with Grace.  If there were no financial limitations to my life – who would I be?  What would my values be?     It’s a great exercise in self-awareness. 

 Let yourself play out grace fantasies and see what you learn.   Go shopping and tell yourself you have all the money in the world and can buy anything you want.   What do you observe about what you really want if all limitations are removed?   Imagine yourself just walking away from the situation that you feel trapped in right now.  What do you observe about that feeling of leaving it?  Imagine getting the thing you fantasize about -the house, the car, the girl, the guy, the sex, the food, the body, the vacation, the alcohol, the drugs, whatever; play the fantasy out all the way.  Is it what you really want? 

 Grace uncovers truth.

 Truth is the only way we can get to mercy.  

 Obligation and sacrifice can blind us so that we don’t know what we feel, what we want, or who we are.  We can only see what “should” be done, or what “must” be done.  We can only see the sacrifice that is needed. 

 We can give to someone that we hate, that we are angry with, or that we feel nothing for and still feel good about ourselves. 

 “Therefore if you are offering your gift and remember that your brother or sister has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar.  First go and be reconciled to them, then come and offer your gift.”

 First mercy. 

 Then sacrifice. 

 A friend of mine recently left a situation where she was ministering to people in the inner city.  She felt bad about “abandoning” those people who needed her. 

 But, perhaps when we give to people out of a sense of sacrifice and obligation – perhaps this is when we have truly abandoned them.  The connection and intimacy is gone.  They are reduced to objects and recipients.

 You know how it feels when you are the recipient of someone's sacrifice?  They roll their eyes, or sigh heavily? You want to just shout out, “forget it!!  I’ll do it myself!!  Don’t put yourself out!!!” 

 You know how it feels with that person who is always giving, giving, giving and loves being the martyr?

 You know how it feels in bed, when sex is given out of obligation?

 You feel empty. 

 Disconnected

Objectified. 

Abandoned. 

Abandoned by the passions of the giver. 

 Maybe this is why children stay away from the put-upon parent.  Maybe this is why couples stop working as a team because it’s just not worth having to ask and getting the feeling you are asking too much.   Maybe that is why long-term marriages grow cold.  Not because they are bored with each other and need more adventure and playfulness in the bedroom, but because they have adopted the idea that because they are married, sexuality is an obligation rather than a gift. 

 Sacrifice instead of mercy. 

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Deconstruction

No one told us that if we deconstructed our theories in physics we would be cast into a lake of fire. 

People often label their experience of coming out of a set of beliefs as deconstruction. 

I have a difficult time with the term deconstruction. 

Words matter. 

The words we give our children to explain their feelings, and the words we speak to ourselves have tremendous power over whether we experience things as positive, negative or neutral. 

 “anxious and nervous”  vs. “eager and excited”

“bored and lonely”  vs.  “calm and peaceful”

“Stage fright or performance anxiety”  vs.  “ excitement and adrenaline”

Words matter. 

They can define what we feel, even when the physical experience or emotional experience is the same.

Language shapes us.  

I’ve never felt like my spiritual journey involved a “deconstruction”.  I’ve always felt it was just an adventure.  Just  learning, revising,  letting go, learning differently, revising, letting go, learning more, revising further, letting go. 

Either way, it’s the same process and the same life experience. 

But somehow “deconstruction” feels scary and negative.  Adventure feels fun and exciting.      

Like all of life really. 

Deconstruction or adventure?

In other areas of knowledge and exploration (art, science, technology, even in relationships), we seem more able to welcome changes, shifts, and discoveries as positive progress, but in religion it gets framed as de-construction, or even heresy.

Of course no one taught us that if we got our art wrong we were going to hell.  No one told us that if we deconstructed our theories in physics we would be cast into a lake of fire.  No one told us that if we came up with new software, new types of music, new types of poetry, or new styles of writing we were a heretic and our souls were in danger.

How we experience growth spiritually has much to do with our idea of God.

If God is wrathful, and punishing, it will be very important to know what’s right and GET IT RIGHT!  And, if we deconstruct one set of dogmas because they were incorrect, we will feel like we need to reconstruct a new set.  Better, improved, more enlightened, more correct.  We will likely be stuck with dogmas for life, even if it is an ever-changing set.

If God is love and grace and the creative force behind infinite possibilities.  If God is NOT about our knowledge of good and evil but rather the space within which we make all the mistakes and misunderstandings we will experience in our adventure in this world:

Our growth and evolution just might feel positive and not at all like a deconstruction.

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I tried to contain myself but I escaped

When i was going through my divorce, I saw someone wearing a T shirt with the Gary Paulsen quote, "I tried to contain myself but I escaped."   That was the T shirt I needed.

I had tried for years to be the person my first husband wanted me to be, the woman my religion wanted me to be,  the person God wanted me to be. 

In the end, I just ended up being false.  To myself and to others.  And eventually I just couldn't keep it up. Turns out religion and my first husband couldn't contain me.  And god sure didn't want to. 

I escaped.

We can try to apply our judgments and dualisms to people, however they will refuse to be contained. 

They will continually defy our categorizations. 

The “bad” person will do good and surprise us. 

The “good” person will do evil and surprise us. 

We will find ourselves trying to control others so as not to be surprised, disappointed, hurt, abandoned or deceived.  

Or, we will exit relationships, one after another so as to avoid that type of uncertainty. 

Grace that says that a human being can’t really be dealt with in this way.  Can’t be boxed or caged.

 A human is as infinite and unknowable as God himself -- made in the image of God in this way and others. 

Grace means a person is free to evolve in any direction and into endless possibilities and outcomes. 

A human being is unpredictable, unknowable.   If it were not so, we would become bored and lonely with human beings.  They would be no different than objects and possessions.  Our very control of them would render them uninteresting.   

How can we possibly have relationships with such unpredictable beings?   It's just too risky. 

Grace. 

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Don't you just hate Grace?

Let's be honest - we hate Grace. 

Let's be honest - we hate Grace.  We like to control things.  We like predictability, security and knowledge of what the future holds -- at least to some degree.  

But Grace is in its very essence unpredictable and infinite. 

We don't want to give others Grace. 
It's scary.  

They might do something we don't like.

We don't want the people we love to change too much, we don't want our bodies or our health to change too much, we want secure jobs, secure homes, secure incomes, secure economies, secure stock markets, secure political systems.  

We objectify people in an effort to create an illusion that the person we are interacting with is a secure and stable entity that we can understand. 

It's way too scary to try to love something that we don't understand, something we cannot control, something that is always shifting and changing and evolving.  So we objectify in order to love. 

We set our specifications

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Evolution is grace

 I had a weird dream a few months ago.  A rush of something I can only describe as "gray-ness" came toward me and I awoke to a loud voice that said:  

"Evolution is Grace." 

I'm a scientist and I'm fascinated with evolution.  When I taught science at a Christian school I told my students that I found a God who created evolution to be far more interesting and miraculous than one who could only create non-changeable things.  

Grace is an infinite number.  Grace is evolution.  Evolution is grace.

Grace says:  everything is permissible, but not everything is beneficial. 

Grace says:  The LAW is fulfilled.  There is no longer a system of RIGHT and WRONG.  But Grace. 

So anything can happen. 

Anything.

 Grace says there are endless possibilities and outcomes.  

Grace is an infinite number.   

With Grace we are out of control. 

With Grace error CAN occur and error DOES occur. 

Let's be honest - we hate this.  We like to control things.  We like predictability, security and knowledge of what the future holds -- at least to some degree.  

We don't want the people we love to change too much, we don't want our bodies or our health to change too much, we want secure jobs, secure homes, secure incomes, secure economies, secure stock markets, secure political systems.  We like to analyze things and put them into neat little categories so that we can feel like we understand them.  So that we feel some measure of control.

Right/wrong. 

Good/bad. 

Dualisms. 

Laws.

I'm a biologist and I like to think about spiritual things in light of biology.  I feel like creation reveals a lot about the creative force behind it.  I use the word "god" for that force, but you might dislike that word and prefer another one - or none at all.  That's fine.  I find the principles are the important thing, not the metaphors and words we use to try to describe them.  A rose by any other name......

In the very essence of life – the DNA – we find “rules” (the law).  Rules about replication that lead to life.  But we also find that error can and does always occur.  Errors that lead to variance, mutation, even death.

In religious terms, some will say that this error occurs only by chance, another will say it is God's plan, and still another will say it is NOT God’s plan, but rather a part of the "fallen-ness" of creation. 

Regardless of your beliefs about whether error is PART of God’s plan , or part of human’s diverting from God’s plan (the fall), or if you believe in a God at all, we all know the error DOES occur. 

Let's take DNA.  In the DNA of a cell, an error in replication will occur. Many errors are benign and go nowhere.  Some errors lead to death and suffering in the organism –tumors grow,  cancer begins, birth defects, a non-viable fetus, disease, death. 

If you were the one suffering due to this genetic error, you might call it evil.  

But , this capacity for error, this mechanism that can bring death and suffering, this "evil",  is in fact, the very thing that may allow a certain organism to survive environmental or ecological pressure.  A particular mutation that might be detrimental in good times, might prove beneficial in different environmental conditions and might provide a survival benefit to the organism. Thus, the central aspect of our very genetic makeup that has the capacity for error – the very error that brings suffering and death, the very EVIL – IS also the very thing that also contains the capacity for change, growth, survival, 

LIFE

If you were the organism that survived due to this error, you might call it good.

From death springs life.  

Good and evil are bound up in the same thing. 

It's not either/or,  it's both/and. 

In religion and philosophy the question of evil is debated.  If God is good, can he create evil?  If God is love, why is there evil? 

But in nature error exists so that life can and will continue.  It brings life. 

Error need not be pigeonholed into a nice neat little box of "good" or "bad".  

The debate of can love create evil, can good create evil does not need to arrive at an either/or conclusion. 

It's both/and.  

Both are God’s grace. 

The story of the Garden of Eden is often interpreted as a story about the introduction of evil into the world.  And then the question arises, "why did God even put the tree there?  Why would he tempt people with evil?"     And whether you read the story as allegorical, mythological or literal, the answer to that question may be the same.   The very fact that God (or creation, or biology, or the ground of all being), allows for freedom for error -- is Grace.

Grace is the full openness to an infinite number of options. 

Grace cannot be infinite if options are limited only to those options we call good. 

Grace makes space for error.  Life cannot occur without it.  Grace makes life out of error.  Life that results out of error is evolution – both biological , emotional and spiritual.

"First there is the fall, then there is the recovery from the fall.  Both are the Grace of God” - Julian of Norwich

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