Mottoes - Part 5 "To Make a friend...."

“To make a friend, be a friend”

When I was a kid, we moved around a lot. My dad was a football coach. It’s a lot like being an army brat. I moved every year from 8th grade through graduation. The first big move, after 7th grade was awful. I was painfully shy and didn’t have the faintest idea how to make a friend. I hid in bathrooms during lunch at school because I was too shy to figure out how to invite myself to sit at a table with people in the cafeteria. I hid in bathrooms after church because I didn’t know how to make conversation with kids I didn’t know. It was excruciating. My mom’s advice on how to make friends was this motto:

“To make a friend, be a friend”

It didn’t help me navigate lunch in the cafeteria or “fellowship” time after church. I still went that entire year without a single friend.

But actually, it’s pretty good advice overall and it has served me well over the course of a lifetime.

Yay mom.

Mottoes - Part 4 "You can be anything you want to be"

...we miss both our own humanity and the humanity of others.  And we will miss the chance to extend grace.

My parents gave me and my siblings this motto so that we would feel confident and feel like the sky was the limit.  I gave it to my kids too.   If you can dream it, you can do it.  It’s the proverbial American dream.

The trouble with this motto is that it’s just not true.   It’s more true for some and less true for others, but it’s never wholly true for anyone.  I am a white, upper-middle class female.  My parents were college educated and gave me a college education.   I had more chance of this motto being true than most.

but still …. 

This motto tells us there are no limits, but no matter how much positive thinking we do, or how much faith we muster, no matter how much good energy we send into the universe, or how hard we work, there are limits.   

Financial limits, social limits, intellectual limits, physical limits. 

Limitations are important to acknowledge.  Limitations are the things in our lives that, if we pay attention, will teach us who we are.  They will teach us that we are human and do not have ultimate control.  Control is what this motto can become all about.  If we believe the motto that we can be whatever we want to be, and we don’t temper it with a healthy dose of reality, we can feel as though we are in control of our outcomes.  This type of control leads to blame.  We assign blame to ourselves and to others if our goals and expectations are not met.  Maybe we didn’t work hard enough, believe it enough, or stick with it long enough.  Maybe others didn’t either.  It allows us to take a short-cut and not really get to know ourselves or others.  Who are we really?  Where did we come from?  Where are we going?  What kinds of issues are we dealing with?  Without getting to know ourselves and others, we reduce the person to a formula rather than an individual.  The person becomes someone who just didn’t put forth the appropriate amount or type of effort, or didn’t have the right mentality, or faith or stamina.  And so, we miss both our own humanity and the humanity of others.  And we will miss the chance to extend grace.  Maybe the person who falls behind in school has a learning disability, or the person who has poor work attendance has a mental or physical illness.  Maybe that person who has put on weight is taking care of a disabled child and doesn’t have time to exercise, or maybe the person who can’t pay their rent lost their job and their savings paying for medical treatments.    

But sometimes it feels better to maintain the illusion of control.  We can get caught in the trap of working so hard to preserve the dream, that we don’t live the life we were meant to live.   The continued resolve to put forth more effort or believe more in order to gain the greener grass is the best distraction from doing the things we really CAN do and living our lives in the present. 

When my son was two or three, we were driving and he began to cry suddenly and inconsolably from his car seat in the back.  I asked him what was wrong and he said, “I’ll NEVER be a bird!!!”  I was confused at first, then realized that he had just realized that the "you can be anything you want to be" narrative I had given him just was not true.  No matter how hard he tried in life, he would never be a bird;

he would always be a human

But human is nice.  

(To comment, click on the Title of this blog post, "Mottoes, Part 4.  'You can be anything you want to be'"

Mottoes - part 3 "It can always be better"

The myth of enough is a gaping hole, consuming, eating away at all the good stuff and leaving behind the bones of discontent. 

I grew up raised by a football coach father with many wonderful qualities.  He loves his children and was a strong and reliable presence for us.  He is a man of strong will.  He is a man who pulled himself up by the bootstraps and who wanted to pass along to his children the wisdom that had allowed him to rise above his abusive upbringing by an alcoholic father and mentally ill mother. 

 One of the mottos he passed along was:

 “No matter how good a thing is, it can always be better.”   

 The problem with this life motto like is that it is true.

-no matter how good this relationship is, it could always improve

-no matter how thin I am, I could always be thinner

-no matter how I parent my children, I could always have done it better

-no matter how much I give, I can always give more

- no matter how good that meal was, I could have cooked the meat just five minutes less, or five minutes longer.

-no matter how lovely my home is, it can always be nicer, cleaner, more artful

-no matter how much I get done, I could have done more

-no matter how much I relaxed, I should have relaxed more

-no matter how spiritual I am, I could always go deeper

-no matter how good sex is, it can always be better

-no matter how well I’m doing at work, I can always achieve more

-no matter how good my job is, there’s likely something I love more,  that is more meaningful, more interesting, more fulfilling, or pays better

All true

All irrelevant. 

Nothing is ever good enough, perfect enough.  It can always be better.     YEP.

The myth of enough is a gaping hole, consuming, eating away at all the good stuff and leaving behind the bones of discontent.  It is the mouth with an insatiable appetite for more, More, MORE, MORE, MORE

How exhausting it is. 

Matthew 19:13-26 tells a story that contrasts the children to a rich man.

Then people brought little children to Jesus for him to place his hands on them and pray for them. But the disciples rebuked them.

Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.”  When he had placed his hands on them, he went on from there.

Children have no achievements with which to justify themselves.  Children don’t have it all “figured out” yet.  They are wonderfully unformed and unfinished.  They don’t know they are not perfect, because  perfect is not even on their radar yet.  And it is this very quality that makes them perfect.

Good and bad don’t enter their mind until society teaches them to judge and categorize and criticize.    They proudly display their imperfect crayon drawings on the refrigerator, they rejoice in the imperfect cakes they bake, they don’t even notice the messes they make, they think the off-key song they sing is beautiful and the uncoordinated dance they dance is wonderful.   They believe they are the most amazing person on the face of the earth and everything they create is beautiful – until someone tells them otherwise

Just then a man came up to Jesus and asked, “Teacher, what good thing must I do to get eternal life?”

“Why do you ask me about what is good?” Jesus replied. “There is only One who is good. If you want to enter life, keep the commandments.”

“Which ones?” he inquired.

Jesus replied, “ ‘You shall not murder, you shall not commit adultery, you shall not steal, you shall not give false testimony, honor your father and mother,’and ‘love your neighbor as yourself.’”

“All these I have kept,” the young man said. “What do I still lack?”

The rich man on the other hand thought he had it figured out.  He knew who was “good” (Jesus) and had pretty much achieved perfection as his religion defined it.   He had obeyed all the commandments. 

Jesus confronted his idea of goodness and perfection: 

GOODNESS

“Why do you ask me about what is good?”   Well, because you’re JESUS.   I mean if we can’t ask Jesus about what is good, then what hope is there?  How can we know what is good and what isn’t if we can’t ask Jesus himself!!!

“There is only one who is good” Jesus seems to be saying here – look, don’t be fooled, there is nothing you can do to achieve goodness.  No special knowledge I can give you that will help you to figure it all out.  Goodness  isn’t the goal. 

Then Jesus says, “If you want to enter LIFE, obey the commandments”.   

Notice he does NOT say, “if you want to be GOOD, obey the commandments. “ 

Moral and religious perfection, even if it could be achieved (which it cannot), does not make us GOOD.  It can help us to enter a way of life that is life-giving rather than destructive.  It cannot make us good.

PERFECTION

“Jesus answered, “If you want to be perfect, go, sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.”

When the young man heard this, he went away sad, because he had great wealth.

Then Jesus said to his disciples, “Truly I tell you, it is hard for someone who is rich to enter the kingdom of heaven. Again I tell you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for someone who is rich to enter the kingdom of God.””

Jesus is showing here that perfection cannot be attained.  No matter how much we do – even if we do everything we think God has asked of us, we can always do more.  It’s never enough.   The richer we are – the more we have and the more we have it figured out – the harder it becomes. 

“Who then can be saved?”

Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.”

I always read this wrong.  At first, I thought it was telling me that God would miraculously give me the strength to achieve goodness and perfection, then I thought it meant that I was part of a special forgiven group that were made good and perfect through God's forgiveness.  But now I believe that what it means is that God’s way out of this trap is Grace.  Not forgiveness, but Grace - we usually think the two are synonymous.  I'm talking about a grace that says no one is good and there is nothing you have to do.  Perfection isn’t attainable.  I'm talking about a grace that says we are already OK.  Already perfect in our imperfection.

In the Garden of Eden story the serpent comes to the woman and tells her that she is not good enough, not yet perfect.  She needs this special knowledge of good and evil and if she gets it she will be better than she is now.  She will be “like God” – perfect.  If only she could know what was good/what was evil/who was good/who was evil, perfection would be attainable!!! 

She falls for it.

We all fall for it.  

We fall from grace.

Grace is the state under which no one is good but God, and there is nothing you have to do.  Perfection isn’t even on the radar.

Peter Rollins in  “A Satanic Community”, calls any community that tells us we have to be something else or get somewhere else is a satanic community and is in league with “the devil.” Not satanic as in a literal dude with horns and a pitchfork.  Not satanic as in a literal snake in a tree.  Not satanic in any literal “being” sense.  But satanic in the sense that it is a voice of deception that leads you to a place of self-destructiveness and other-destructiveness.  Satanic in the sense that it leads you away from life and creativity. 

Wow. Think about church and what you’ve been told in church!

The spiritual task is to exorcise this voice and the  technology we use to exercise this voice is Grace.  Grace is the idea that you’re accepted as-is.  To experience Grace is to experience the idea that you are accepted for who you are and to accept this acceptance.  It isn’t about saying we will give you a second chance to get to your ideal.  It’s about saying there is no ideal you need to get to – you’re fine the way you are.  Or rather, you’re not fine the way you are and that’s OK. 

Ironically, it’s actually the experience of not having to strive for some ideal that helps transformation take place.  It’s like quicksand, the more me move and the more we strive, the deeper we sink.  It’s only when we stop that we stop sinking.  It’s THEN that transformation happens. 

In the state of grace, the motto changes from

“no matter how good a thing is, it can always be better”

to

“don’t try to move from grace in order to perfect yourself”

Under Grace we are already OK.

Perfect in our imperfection.

No improvement required.

As –is

Enough.

(To comment click at the top on the title of this post - "Mottos - Part 3 "It can always be better"

Mottoes - Part 1 "Be tough"

There are several problems with being tough.  First of all, it’s a lie. 

We all have mottoes - things we say to ourselves or words of so-called wisdom we learned from others along the way.  Mottoes are supposed to be little sayings that encapsulate a set beliefs or ideals that can guide us through life.    The trouble with mottoes is that they often lead us astray.  This is first part of a series on the mottoes I have had in life which did me no good at all. 

We are all made up of each and every experience that ever happened to us.  They are all stored in our subconscious and are influencing us moment by moment without our even being aware.  Although we think our conscious minds are calling the shots in our lives, they are not – our subconscious is mostly what drives us. 

It is our instinct to avoid or recoil from pain and suffering.  It’s a good instinct – a survival instinct.  But often times instincts that are there for our survival, can turn into ways of being that ultimately tear us down.  Our fight or flight response, when it’s ON daily, leads to stress-related illnesses.  Our bodies’ attraction to high fat, high sugar foods …well, we all know where that leads. 

And our avoidance of pain and suffering can also end up nowhere good. 

If there is a part of us that has suffered, we often try to just put it away. 

“Don’t think about it”

“Don’t dwell on it”

“get over it”

“Be tough”  

That was my dad’s motto – be tough.   My dad was a football coach.  He was tough.  His motto "be tough" got him through a lot as a child of an abusive and alcoholic father.  He said it to us as kids - repeatedly.  

There are several problems with being tough.  First of all, it’s a lie.  I’m not tough and neither are you.  We are all weak, and fragile.  We all feel stuff and that is totally OK, totally honest and totally human.     The second problem is that no one can keep up being tough.  If we don't allow ourselves to be weak and fragile, it will come out in our bodies.  We will have muscle spasms, headaches, backaches and any other number of other problems.  Our bodies cry out to us, "HEY!!  Guess what!!  You're not as tough as you're trying to be!"  Our bodies always tell the truth and will try to get us to stop being tough all the time.  Another problem with being tough is that to be tough you have to reject the part of you that isn’t.   And to reject it, you pretty much have to tell yourself that it’s bad, and worthy of rejection.   The idea that some feelings are good and some feelings are bad is built in to our society.  It’s ingrained in us almost from infancy.  So we reject the parts of us that we have been taught are bad:  weakness, fear, anxiety, sadness, confusion, boredom, uncertainty.  When we encounter these feelings, we find ways to get rid of them as quickly as possible:  deny, medicate, blame, lash-out, act out.  Anything we can do to return to “good” feelings like: strength, certainty, happiness, confidence. 

Those “good” feelings are only half of us.  We are rejecting half of ourselves, and rejecting half of others as well.  How can we have lives of love if we reject fully half of all that makes us and everyone else human?  Who is going to love our “dark” side? 

We walk through life feeling lonely and unloved because we have rejected half of ourselves and others have as well.   Imagine what it would feel like if we lived in such a way that the side of ourselves that we keep in the shadows, the things we don’t want people to know for fear of their rejection – were loved and appreciated every bit as much as those qualities we call our strengths. 

It starts with us.   An exercise that I use is a visualization of cradling pain and suffering.  I learned it years ago when I was becoming certified to be a hypnotherapist.   In this visualization, I imagine the thing I am trying to reject in myself.  Maybe it’s a personality trait, a behavior, a past experience, or an experience I’m having right now.   I imagine holding that thing and cradling it like a mother holds and cradles her baby, speaking words of love and acceptance to it.  Sometimes the mother doesn’t even know why the baby is suffering, but the very act of cradling the baby soothes its suffering.   I find in myself that this visualization lets me acknowledge that within me are many, many feelings and experiences that are not tough.  They are soft, and vulnerable, and hurt; and that's OK.....they are loved.

(To comment click at the top on the title of this post - "Mottos - Part 1 "Be Tough")