Warning:  This one gets a little preachy. 

For the series “girl talk” I asked women about the toxic messages they were given as advice.  I got tons of responses on the topic of damaged goods. 

• One woman told a story about being at a retreat where the leader gave out oreo cookies to everyone.  Then he took one from one of the girls, opened it and licked out the cream filling and gave it back to her.  He proceeded to tell everyone to enjoy their cookie.  The point he then went on to make is that of course the girl didn’t want her cookie, because he had already enjoyed it.  This is how men will see her if she gives herself away sexually before marriage.  No one will want her because she is damaged goods. 

• Another told about the same kind of message she was given but using a chewed gum metaphor. 

• Another was told:  “Your virginitiy is like a flower, if you give away petals you will have nothing left for your husband”

• My mom told me when I was growing up that no one would want to buy the cow if the milk was for free. 

This purity culture messages is saying that a woman’s worth is in her purity.   It teaches women it is a good strategy to withhold sex from a man in order to get him to marry her.   So, in essence, we are setting up a system in which men marry women to get in their pants.  But what about afterwards?  What happens after that desire is satisfied?  What is the attraction at that point?  

I hate the cow analogy, but honestly, how will we ever know whether someone loves us for our personhood rather than our maidenhood unless we give the milk away for free?  Do I want my relationship to be based upon sexual coercion?

To be in a relationship with a woman, you are in a relationship with a person, not a cow, or gum or flowers or oreo cookies.  Quite obviously, a woman who has had sex is not damaged goods any more than a boy who has had sex is damaged goods. Their worth is not bound up in their purity, or honestly in any other singular aspect of their body.  Girls and boys alike must be taught that what makes a person attractive is not simply the body, virginal or not.   This kind of objectification leads to using rather than loving.   Girls and boys alike must be taught to value character, intelligence, humor and depth in the other.  These are the traits that will contribute to solid relationships of mutual respect and equality. 

There are a million ways to hurt and damage another person.  Sex can be one of them if it is undertaken without consent or respect.  But you know what else damages a person?  Reducing them to an object that is only desirable under certain conditions.   I’m sure an awful lot of kids have been damaged by the oreo cookie talk, the chewing gum analogy and the cow advice.   I have a lot more baggage from the cow advice than from sex outside of marriage. 

To be sure, it’s not just women that are hurt by messages of objectification.  When any person is objectified, it is easier for us to use, abuse and neglect them.  It is easier for us to reject them and toss them out if we don’t see them as human beings. Whether we say a woman is only desirable if she’s a virgin, or if she’s thin enough, or that a man is only desirable based on his ability to earn money and be successful.   Either way, the person is reduced to an object.  When we make people “goods” it’s much easier to make them damaged goods.   

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