“Pretty is as Pretty does”

This little piece of advice seems harmless.   My mom used to say this to me to encourage good behavior.  I think it probably worked. What I didn’t realize is that it taught me that being pretty is the goal.  Not being smart, not being funny, not being well educated, or a leader, or someone who makes a difference in the world. 

Being pretty

Being ornamental

Eye Candy

My brothers were never advised “handsome is as handsome does”.   I wonder what that would even mean?   In thinking about what the list of “handsome is as handsome does” might include, it didn’t compute. We don’t have behaviors that equate to a “handsome” in men. We have behaviors that equate to a gentleman, but not a handsome man. For men, the way they look is divorced from their behavior. For women, it comes as a package deal and it’s all about being attractive to others.

“Pretty” actions, in my mother’s definition were things like: gentleness, submissiveness, compliance, quietness and a soft-spoken tone, hospitality, being even-tempered and positive, being accommodating.  It’s not that she ever really defined what she meant by “pretty is as pretty does” in so many words, but she modeled it.

“Ugly is as ugly does” would have been defined as:   Anger, outspokenness, assertiveness, argumentative, loudness, highly opinionated, dominance. 

All of the “ugly” qualities for me were the very qualities that were modeled for my brothers as qualities of a man. My dad modeled strength, volume, strong, authoritative (and often angry) opinions and criticisms, and immovability. He was called a gentleman because he opened doors for ladies, brought home flowers, didn’t burp or fart or swear in front of ladies and was well groomed. It had nothing to do with his being gentle.

An outspoken, assertive and dominant man is a leader. An outspoken, assertive and dominant woman is a bitch. And society tells us a bitch is ugly.

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