In the FB group where I asked women for the best, most toxic phrases they’ve been given as girl advice, one woman posted that she was taught that woman should be sure to “paint the barn door” before their husbands get home from work. 

Several of us had to ask what that even meant, so she enlightened us.  It means to put on make-up. 

Not only is this supposed to be good advice for women, it’s supposed to be someone’s idea of good “Christian” advice for women. I guess they didn’t read the verse that says that our beauty is not supposed to come from “outward adornment.”

What is the purpose of advice of this type?  It is a message of control.   If we make ourselves as beautiful as we can, we will “keep our man.”  We are in control. 

There are so many versions of this out there.  Some years ago, I was in a women’s bible study, in which the writer of the course said she always makes sure her make up is on and hair is done before her husband leaves in the morning so that the last image he has of her is one of beauty.  This, she stated, would help him resist temptation when he encountered beautiful women “out there” because he would remember he had a beautiful woman at home. 

Is that the kind of society we want to create?!  A world where men are helpless and we hold control over them with our beauty?    Maybe, for some, it is. 

This kind of quest for control comes at a price.  The notion that women are in control of men’s sexual behaviors is one of the issues in rape culture.  A woman is asked, “what were you wearing?” “why were you in that place?” etc… as though she could have controlled the situation with her appearance or behavior.  We cannot expect to put forth messages that perpetuate the myth that women are responsible for men’s sexual behavior, and not expect a backlash in which victims of sexual misconduct are blamed. 

This way of thinking does men such a disservice as well.  Imagine if you were raised with the message that the way another person LOOKED would cause you to either behave well, or badly.  How out of control would you feel?   One woman in the discussion said her husband felt that this type of a message is demeaning to men – and he’s right!  This message of disempowerment is as destructive to men as it is to women. 

Another problem with this type of a message is it makes sexuality about fear and control.  The hidden message is, “I’m afraid my husband will cheat.  I need to do something about it.  I can control his fidelity with my beauty. I need to put on make-up, get a boob-job, diet more, get collagen fillers, botox” ……. and the list never ends because if a little control is good, more is even better.   As long as we operate from this mindset, we can expect that our sex lives will be about fear and control, and not about love and intimacy.   

My first husband was unfaithful.  When we were going through counseling, I tried and tried to figure out what I had done or not done, and what I could do or not do to prevent it.  Maybe if I had been more of this, less of that; prettier, thinner, – something. 

Anything. 

Maybe if I had prayed more or better.  Maybe …… 

And make no mistake, he tried to convince me it was my fault as well. 

I attended a support group at the time and looked around at the array of spouses who had been betrayed;  smart, not-smart, successful, unsuccessful, beautiful, not so beautiful, thin, not thin.  Their stories were as varied as they were.   There was no pattern to it.  It seemed that pretty much anyone could be betrayed for any reason whatsoever or for no reason at all.   My therapist asked me this question, “would there have been anything he could have done or not done that would have caused you to cheat?”  I knew the answer was no and then I knew that there was nothing I could have done or not done that would have kept him faithful.  His behavior belonged to him.  

You would think this would have been a relief and in one way it was, but in another it was not.  As long as I thought there was something I could DO (i.e paint the barn door or something), I had some shred of control.   Once I realized there was nothing I had done or could do, I felt no control whatsoever.   Then, and only then, did I understand the nature of love.  Love is freely given, without trying to control the other person.  You hope the person will love you back, for who you are and not for your paint-job.  You hope they will stay with you as your paint starts to crack and peel, but, sometimes they don’t, and your heart breaks.  

….but, there is someone who will. 

To comment, click on the title of this post: “Girl Talk - Part 3 - Paint the Barn Door”